Amelia Earhart: Flying High

amelia1There have been few women who have made as much of an impact on history as the legendary aviator and author, Amelia Earhart. She was born Amelia Mary Earhart in Atchison, Kansas, on July 24, 1897. Amelia’s mother, Amy, did not believe in raising either Amelia or Amelia’s sister, Grace Muriel Earhart, to be “nice little girls”. Rather than playing with dolls, both children enjoyed hunting rats, climbing trees, and “rough-and-tumble” play. Growing up, Amelia also exhibited a large interest in reading, recalling later that she spent countless hours in the vast family library. Although Amelia experienced a tremendous amount of unhappiness growing up, she always had a tendency to focus her sights on women who had been successful in their chosen fields. In fact, she kept a scrapbook filled with photos of women who  inspired her. However, in one of her school yearbooks, she was described as “A.E.—the girl who walks in brown alone.”

 

After Amelia visited her sister in 1917, and she saw the wounded soldiers returning from taking part in the disastrous World War I, Amelia Earhart decided to train to be a nurse’s aide for the Red Cross. A year later, she developed health problems resulting from her arduous work at the Spandina Military Hospital during the Spanish Flu Epidemic. In November of 1918, Amelia was hospitalized for pneumonia. At this same time in her life, she also developed maxillary sinusitis, which ended up affecting her immensely in her later years.

Amelia clearly did not perceive what her life’s purpose was until she had explored other avenues. In 1919, she signed up at Columbia University to pursue a course in medical studies. However, destiny intervened. Not long after she returned to California, to live once again with her parents, Amelia and her father visited an airfield where she was given a free ride in a airplane by air racer, Frank Hawkes. Earhart said later, “By the time I was two or three hundred feet off the ground, I knew I had to fly.” Earhart was a plucky lady who possessed the kind of determination that it takes to get to the top of your chosen profession. She was willing to dedicate herself to her career, even though she knew there would be plenty of opposition she would be compelled to face. Earhart cut her hair short, donned a worn leather jacket, and bought her own bright yellow Kinner Airster biplane, which she nicknamed “The Canary”. When she received her pilot license on May 15, 1923, Earhart was only the 16th woman to accomplish this feat. By 1927, she had managed to accumulate over 500 miles of solo flying. One year later, Earhart gained notoriety by becoming the first woman to fly solo across North America and back. In spite of having her share of detractors, Earhart was becoming a celebrity. She was hailed as “The Queen of the Air”, and many magazines and newspapers began referring to her as “Lady Lindy”, noting her resemblance to famed aviator, Charles Lindbergh. She began promoting and endorsing various products, and stores like Macy’s even sold a line of clothing that was supposed to mimic Earhart’s sleek, practical, yet feminine style.

amelia2In keeping with her lack of conformity in other areas of her life, Earhart also had radical ideas about marriage.  Her husband, George P. Putnam, proposed to her six times before she actually agreed to accept him, and, when describing her marriage, Earhart referred to it as a “partnership” with “dual control”. The wedding itself took place on February 7, 1931, and there wasn’t a honeymoon.

Earhart made several solo flights before her planned world flight in 1937. After a failed attempt to make this flight, a second attempt began on June 1 of that year, when Earhart and her navigator, Fred Noonan, left Miami, Florida, finally arriving in Lae, New Guinea, on June 29. It was on July 2, 1937, that Earhart took off from Lae, and, at approximately 8:43 that morning, Earhart transmitted her last known broadcast. There has been an immense amount of speculation as to what happened to Earhart and her plane. An aura of mystery surrounds the event, and, even to this day, Earhart’s disappearance remains one of the most interesting missing person cases.

hilary1Earhart is going to be portrayed by the two-time Oscar-winning actress, Hilary Swank, in a new biopic film about the remarkable aviator. Might Swank garner yet another Oscar for her depiction of this inspirational dame?

To read more about Amelia Earhart, her life, and her adventures, don’t miss checking out this remarkable site paying tribute to her: http://www.ameliaearhart.com/

 

Also, you can watch a portion of a documentary film on Amelia Earhart, entitled “Where’s Amelia Earhart?” by going  here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUR8r06EtVE

 

 

 

(photos: Amelia Earhart, a classic headshot of the striking lady; Earhart, looking sassy and self-assured; actress Hilary Swank, who will be portraying Earhart in a new biopic film)

 

This page and all written material at The Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

So you need more time?

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There just isn’t enough time to do it all, is there? Hey, this diva knows what it’s like to have a mere 24 hours in which to accomplish everything she both wants and needs to do. It isn’t easy, and you and I both know that certain choices are going to have to be made. I spoke a little bit about this in my last Success Diva Speaks post. I mentioned the things that are urgent as opposed to those things that are important. Well, on a very basic level, it is about prioritizing. However, when we start using terms like prioritizing, I tend to think that we’re taking an overly business-like approach to making our dreams into a reality. Sure, you do need to prioritize. In other words, you need to decide which things on a daily basis must be done vs. those things that you could put off doing, even though you very much want to do them. But if you’re like your diva, you probably notice that the hours skip by faster than you can blink. Also, sometimes it seems like the same day is repeating itself over and over again. Have you ever seen the film with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell called “Groundhog Day”? If so, do you remember how each day started off the very same way? Well, this happens in life, too, I think. We can decide that we’ll manage our time much more efficiently tomorrow than we have today, only to discover that we’re making most of the same misguided choices.

So what happens when we continue to make the choices on a daily basis that prevent us from ever getting to spend the time we need to spend on the things that are really important to us? I’m not talking about the quality time we spend with our spouse or our kids or our family.  What your diva is speaking about is what it important to you. Let’s say that you want to be a writer.  For you, the idea of never seeing your name in print is unbearable. You’ve seen prolific authors such as Joyce Carol Oates, Philip Roth, and the late John Updike, produce book after book, and, in the back of your mind, you think, “You know, I could do that, too.” Well, what’s stopping you?? Do you know?? I would say that one of the main things that’s preventing you from pursuing your writing endeavors with determination and persistence is the fact that you haven’t yet found a way to separate the things you do each day into three separate categories (yes, three! Count  ’em.) The first category are the things that are urgent. This might be something as simple as picking up some select food items from the grocery store or picking up the dry cleaning. In other words, these are things that you think you should do, yet they aren’t really things you absolutely must do. Am I making sense? In the middle category are those things that are important. If you’re an actor, showing up at a theater rehearsal is obviously important. It’s not even something you think about—you just do it. Similarly, if you’re a mother or father and  you’re supposed to pick your child up from a soccer game or a ballet class, that’s going to also fall into the important category. But baking cookies for your neighbor who just recovered from surgery is not important. And watching the latest reality TV show isn’t important, either. In fact, these aren’t things that are urgent, either. They bring us to our third category which, for simplicity’s sake, I’ll just call the inessential. To be honest, nearly 75% of the things you’re doing on a daily basis might fit into this final category. “What?” you shout, “you’re saying that I’m spending 3/4 of my life doing things that are inessential??” Well, how much time do you spend on-line each day? And how much of this time is spent actually doing something that’s important? Are you answering e-mails that must be replied to immediately during the time that you’re on-line? Are you updating your blog, writing a review, or making contacts to promote your personal endeavors? Or are you talking to friends who have a special place in your life? If you answered ‘yes’ to any or all of these three questions, then the time you’re spending on-line truly is important. But don’t lie to yourself. Please. It won’t do you any good to delude yourself into thinking that you are doing things that are more meaningful to you than they really are. You know this, of course, but your diva can still remind you of it *wink*. Now when I say that 75% of the things you’re doing each day could fit into the category of that which is inessential, I’m not saying to stop doing all these things. If you enjoy watching a movie every night, there’s no need to deprive yourself of that. And if you like to read fashion magazines, then don’t berate yourself for doing so. However, do spend at least a few minutes thinking about the activity you are about to engage in before you engage in it, simply to make sure that the time you will lose from making that choice will be worth the benefits you will receive from it. Your diva loves fashion and she enjoys a bit of celebrity gossip every now and then, but the only two magazines she regularly reads are Smithsonian and National Geographic. Why? Well, I see life as being all about choices, you see, and this means that every time I decide to spend time doing one thing, I’m losing the chance to do all the other things I could be doing instead. Does it really matter what the latest news on Britney Spears or Angelina Jolie might be? Do I need to know which actress or supermodel is expecting a baby? Is it important whether Heidi Klum and Seal decide to have any more children? And if so, why? How do these people affect my life? Are they starring in my show?? I hope I’m staring to make a valid point by now. Am I? All that I’m saying does connect in some ways to my post, You Are the Star. I’m trying to help you see that if you spend time on activities that will distract you from designing your life and if you focus on the lives of people whom you do not know and will probably never meet, your life isn’t going to be a hit show–it’s going to be a flop. You won’t even have to look in the morning newspapers to see what the critics are saying. You’ll know without anyone else telling you that all your reviews are dreadful.

I think it’s nearly impossible, in the media-crazed culture we currently live in, not to be continuously distracted by things that are not the least bit essential to our lives, our goals, or our well-being. We can look at the worldwide frenzy surrounding the unexpected death of pop star Michael Jackson, and see how easy it is to become swept up in the latest celebrity scandal.  And if celebrities don’t interest you, there are things such as politics to keep you thoroughly preoccupied. I’ve noticed that several hours of my day can actually sweep right past me without my being aware of it. Why? Because I’ve been busy watching the news, reading e-mails, and/or contemplating how I was going to get everything done on that particular day. See, contemplation can only get you so far. There comes a time when you just have to. . .well, do it. If you’re a writer and you want to finish and publish a novel, at some point you’ll have to stop just talking about it, and you’ll actually have to sit down and start writing it. Scary, isn’t it? It actually scares me a little. But then, I’m a writer. My most recent novel is still in the embryonic stage, meaning I haven’t fully committed to writing it, re-writing it, editing it, and publishing it. The reason I’m confessing this is because I want to stress how important it is that you are honest about the direction you’re moving in right now. Are you driving down a dead-end road? Are you on the path that will take you to your dreams, or are you heading down a one-way street? Moments come in the lives of those of us like you and me who really are interested in making our dreams a reality, in which we have to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves. Ruthlessly? Yes, ruthlessly. Do you know what that means? It means that the excuses we would usually try to find in our Little Book of Excuses (remember that? We all have one of those. Don’t deny it!) must be disregarded by us. We must not let ourselves even be tempted to use those excuses. Rather, we need to get a cold, hard, clear look at our lives, and, no matter how difficult it is, we need to determine what path we’re taken. Are we on the Yellow Brick Road that will take us to the Emerald City of our dreams? Or are we on a road made out of dirt and mud that will take us into a meadow full of weeds?? If we are not absolutely certain that we’re on the Yellow Brick Road, it’s time to stop walking. Sometimes you have to stand still if you want to analyze things with any significant amount of clarity. To continue running, if you’re running in the wrong race, isn’t going to do you any good at all, is it?? Of course it’s not. And this is what you are doing if you are living a life in which your time is spent mostly on that which is urgent and inessential, rather than on that which is genuinely important.

Each day is made up of twenty-four hours. You and I both know that, and we also know that how we spend them is entirely up to us. Now don’t even bother to disagree with me because, if you are honest with yourself, you’ll see that your diva is correct. It may seem like how you spend some of those hours of each day is a decision that other people are making for you, yet, unless someone is forcing you to do something with your time that you haven’t any desire to do, you are making the choice when it comes to how you spend every second, minute, and hour. And if something isn’t a choice for us at this point, it was at an earlier time. What do I mean by that? Well, let me illustrate with an example. Let’s say that you have to get up around the clock to feed your newborn baby. Is it a choice whether you feed the baby or not? Technically it is, but what sort of mother would you be if you didn’t feed your own child? So, we’ve established that feeding your baby around the clock isn’t a choice you’re making now. . .or not really, at any rate. However, somewhere along the way you probably did  make a choice to have the baby—or, at the very least, you had sex without using contraceptives that were reliable enough. And here’s another example: let’s say that your husband or wife now wants you to prepare all the meals for him/her. Usually, this is more the sort of thing a woman does, but, hey, there are guys out there who cook, right? Well, if your husband or wife is expecting you to prepare all the food, you’ll probably say that you don’t have a choice. Maybe you don’t, at this point. But you were the one who chose to marry him or her, right? When you said “I do” and cut the wedding cake, you were making a choice that you must have suspected could greatly impact your entire future. Now you are having to make choices that you don’t want to make based on decisions that you already made by your own volition. Do you see? So, what do you do? Unfortunately, there are certain situations in which you must accept the consequences of a decision you have already made, whether you want to or not. But think of all the other choices that are yours to make. You can decide whether or not you have another baby, for instance. You can even decide, depending on what your views are on divorce, whether or not the sacrifices you’re having to make to keep your marriage together are worth the possible benefits. Of course, I’m simplifying things a little. Nothing is ever as easy as it sounds like it is, although, if you’ve been reading Success Diva’s  blog for any length of time, you already know that she’s the first to admit that.

Okay. Let’s do something we’ve never done before! Let’s summarize some of the issues I’ve addressed in this post. What are the three categories that you can put each of the items on your list of daily tasks into?  The three compartments are: the urgent, the important, and the inessential. I’m really only summarizing all this because I haven’t any guarantee that you’ll read this post more than once, even though you very much need to. Trust me. Your Success Diva senses what you need. She is very intuitive, and she knows that not mastering the art of categorizing the different areas of your life will essentially spell ultimate disaster for you. So, bear with me here, and really remember the points I’m making. As you have probably heard countless times before, we all have 24 hours in a day. That is one gift that is given to each of us equally. But how we use that 24 hours—that is a choice that each one of us makes. So, make time for that which matters most. Let the other stuff wait. What I’ve often noticed is that half of the things I thought were urgent last week didn’t really have to be done at all. And as for that which is inessential?? Well, you’ll have to decide how much of your time you want to spend doing the things that fall into that category. As always, it’s entirely up to you.

This moment in time is passing and today will never come again. Make the  most of every second.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

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All written material at the Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How badly do you want it?

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to get all the lucky breaks? Have you noticed how opportunities come their way that you honestly don’t think they deserve? Do you ever feel almost humiliated by seeing others succeed where you have failed, even though you know that they aren’t nearly as smart, savvy, and gifted as you are? And do you feel guilty because you are envious of their success? I know I’ve been in this sort of situation before, and I can tell you, it’s not a scenario you want to see happening in your life again and again. At least, I assume it isn’t. . .or you wouldn’t be here, at Success Diva’s blog.

So. . .why do you think this is? That is, why are people who don’t have even half of your potential getting the opportunties that you would like? Why is your best friend with the woman or man that you would like to be dating, living with, or married to?? Is it because they’re just blessed by the gods, by some unseen deity that has magically given them all their heart’s desires, like Cinderella, whose path from rags to riches was aided by the help of a benevolent fairy godmother? No. You and I both know that ‘luck’ is a word that we use when we haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing why good fortune befalls someone else. . .or even, for that matter, befalls us. It is a bit of a catch-all word, and it’s probably not beneficial to use it too often because true luck is much rarer than you might think. What luck usually is just happens to be. . .and even if this sounds unbelievable, think about it and I suspect you’ll come to see I’m right. . .what we call luck is usually preparation that meets opportunity.  Now the classic film actress, Lana Turner, supposedly was discovered in a drug store—while she was sipping an ice cream soda, I believe. But guess what? It just so happens that, in spite of being thought by many as simply a “sex symbol” and “a dumb blonde,” Lana Turner was a very wise and calculating business woman, who managed her career in a way that few female movie stars of her time were able to match. She may have been initially thought of as merely a “Sweater Girl,” but she went on to have a career that lasted through the 1960s, and when you look at her unforgettable performances in such movies as the stunning film adaptation of James Cain’s  novella, The Postman Always Rings Twice, it’s easy to see why Lana Turner was not only a legend in her own time. . .but in our time, as well.  There are always things to be learned from those who are at the top of their chosen field, and I would advise making sure that you know at least one or two persons who are extremely successful in whatever career you are either pursuing or are currently sustaining. Do not be shy about asking Mr. or Ms. Top-of-Their-Field about how they achieved all that they have accomplished. Shyness can be very charming in personal relationships, particularly in relationships with the opposite sex (or, if you are gay, then with the same sex, but on a romantic level). However, when it comes to your career, banish shyness as if it were lethal! This doesn’t mean you are supposed to come across as a steamroller. You are never going to be able to get people to be interested in giving you their time or attention if you pursue them like a bee going after a pot of honey. Subtlety is very useful as well as tact. Also, no matter how unsuccessful you feel you are, there is no point in lavishing the person you admire with too much praise. For example, if you are an aspiring novelist and you manage to strike up an acqaintanceship (or friendship) with a successfully published author, do not treat him or her as if they were superhuman. I assure you that he/she is a mere mortal, just as you and I and everyone else is. During my career as a stage actress, I was always meeting directors and other actors that people I knew seemed to be intimidated by. I was even told, at one point, “You mustn’t let so-and-so intimidate you,” even though I gave no indication of being intimidated by the person in question. People will simply assume that if you haven’t reached the pinnacle of success in your field that someone else has, you will be intimidated or in awe of that immensely accomplished person. But here’s a bit of advice that you must store in your memory bank: Never be in awe of anyone or anything. The minute you start feeling yourself inclined to be in awe of a person or a thing, you will immediately diminish your own power. You will begin to behave awkwardly and/or nervously, and you will probably end up making some unneccessary blunders. When you meet someone famous or widely recognized, treat them just as if they were anyone else. If you are accustomed to smiling and introducing yourself, do so. If you usually extend your hand when you meet an ‘ordinary’ person, extend your hand to the Mr. or Ms. Top-of-Their Field. Look, I don’t care if you’re a film actress who has only gotten bit parts thus far and you end up in a conversation with Julia Roberts, act nonchalant . Be courteous, compliment the person on something they’ve accomplished (and be as specific as you can, since this will lend an aura of sincerity to your compliment), but do not tremble, giggle anxiously, shift your weight from one foot to the other, or demonstrate any body language that would indicate you were in some way overwhelmed.

The sitatuation is, whether you think this is true or not, the main reason that person has gotten where you want to go but haven’t yet gotten to is because that is how badly they wanted whatever it is they got. What?, you ask, shaking your head with incredulity. Do you mean to say that Success Diva is saying that I can write as well as Salman Rushdie even though I haven’t yet even managed to have one of my short stories published? Of course that’s not what I’m saying. Success Diva isn’t irrational—and she isn’t going to feed you any lies, even if you would like her to. When I say that Mr. or Ms. Top-of-Their Field got where they wanted to go because of how badly they wanted to get there, I mean several different things, and I will go through them one by one. It may take more than one blog post for me to address this issue, and if it does, I don’t mind because this is one of the most important lessons your Success Diva can teach you. To want something badly enough to get it means you will do almost anything to get it. Am I making sense? And, no, I’m not suggesting that you make a pact with the devil. This blog isn’t going to give you any. . .well, spiritual advice (*wink*).

What I am saying is that to make your dreams come true and accomplish the goals that are important to you, you are going to have to decide what the thing you want so much is worth to you. What sacrifices would you have to make in your life to get the career you would like to have, find your ideal job, or marry or be in a committed relationship with the man/woman of your dreams? What would you  have to be willing to give up? Do you know? Would you have to stop drinking so much? If alcohol is an addiction, would you have to be willing to give it  up? Would you have to stop letting distractions prevent you from focusing on the novel you’re trying to write? Would you have to turn off your TV for at least 22 hours out of every 24-hour day? Or would you have to turn off the TV entirely? Would you have to stop eating anything you like and start making wiser and more nourishing dietary choices? Might you need to join a gym or a health club? Or, looking at things from a more serious perspective, might you have to give up a job you have now but realize has no future, even if you’re out of work for awhile? If you have an active social life, might you have to start staying at home more? If you’re in a relationship that isn’t healthy or happy at the moment, will you have to break it off if you ever want to be with someone whom you are truly compatible with?? These would all be tough choices to have to make. . .but, hey, you’re reading Success Diva’s blog. So, I’m assuming you are willing to make the changes that will give you the successful and fulfilled life that you both want and deserve.

Now I can predict what some of you are probably thinking. You’re thinking that I’m telling you different things than you’re hearing from your friends and family. They say that you should abandon that novel and put your energy into your job because you’ll probably never find any publisher who will accept it anyway. They tell you that you might as well marry the boyfriend or girlfriend you’re with right now because. . .well, he/she is probably the best you can do. They tell you that you’ll just end up spending money to purchase a membership at a health club or gym, when you most likely won’t stick with it, even if you do make it through a couple of aerobics classes and go lift a few weights every now and then. They say that you should put those dreamy ideas about fame, success, and fortune right of your head and “get back into the real world.”

And what should you say to them? Thank them for their input but forget you ever heard it. Ah, but that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?? Look, even if these ‘well-meaning’ people think they have your best interests at heart, ask yourself this: why aren’t they willing to encourage you and support you even if they believe you’re being unrealistic?? No, your Success Diva isn’t saying they’re jealous. . .although that is a possibility you should consider, in certain circumstances. What I am saying is that ‘they’—whoever ‘they’ may be (whether a close friend, spouse, parent, child, sibling, etc.)–are refusing to see your dream for you, most likely because their dreams haven’t come true for them. Have you ever noticed that more often than not, those who are at the top of their field seem to be more encouraging and optimistic in regard to your endeavors than those who are stranded in the desert of mediocrity? If so, why do you think this is? Because they haven’t anything to lose if  you succeed, too. They understand that there’s enough success to go around for everyone. . . .not just them. They don’t have to worry, either, that if you succeed, you’ll end up leaving them behind. In other words, if you’re friends right now with someone who is well-known in his/her field, if  you should also succeed in the same field, he/she won’t be worrying that you’ll suddenly think that he/she isn’t ‘important’ enough for you to be friends with. On the other hand, even your closest family members and/or your spouse may worry that, if you should go out there and really make a splash in your chosen career, that, even if  you don’t mean to,  you’ll end up leaving them, getting tired of them, or neglecting them. Is this understandable? Absolutely. If they feel this way does this mean that they (or he/she) doesn’t love you?? Absolutely not. You are simply threatening their innate sense of security. And if security is very important to them, they really will continue to fear that you’ll abandon them no matter how many times you assure them otherwise. However, all you can do is let them know that you will never change, even if you become one of the most famous persons in your respective field. In other words, if you are married or in a relationship with a man or woman whom you deeply love and want to remain with for the rest of your life, make sure they understand that no matter how much success you achieve, you will never want anyone but them by your side. “Yes, Success Diva,” you say, “but what if my husband/wife or my mother/father or my boyfriend/girlfriend actually goes out of his/her way to sabotage my efforts to succeed?” 

Well, this is where Success Diva’s slightly harsh advice comes into the picture. If  the person (s) closest to refuse to support your goals and dreams, at some point you’re going to have decide whether that person or persons and your relationship with him/her (or them, as the case may be) is more important to you. . .or whether you are more important to you. It boils down once again to this question: How badly do you want the desires of your heart? Would you be happy if your life continued exactly the way it is right now until the day you die? An issue that a couple of my favorite fans brought up was whether or not you can ever really go after what you want and pursue happiness strictly for yourself, when you have a long list of obligations that you feel have to come first. I’m truly pleased that this subject was brought to my mind because it’s something I’ve had to struggle with myself. And I’ll address it in a forthcoming blog post. . .either my next update or another one sometime during the next few days.

For now, I just have a few words of. . .well, if not wisdom, at least suggestions that I hope will be of some assistance. First of all, on a daily basis, you need to decide which tasks on your to-do-list (even if you don’t have an ‘official’ to-do-list written down because you dislike making lists, I’m sure you have a ‘mental’ list of the things you need to do each day) are essential. In other words, which tasks must be done today. Once you decide what those must-do taskes are, separate them from the other to-dos and complete them first. Let’s say you have a list of 20 things that you feel you need to do in a day. Well, how many things are really urgent? Do you really have to take that suit to the dry cleaners today or can you wait until tomorrow? Do you really have to prepare your husband’s favorite meal for dinner simply because he’s had a rough day at work? Does your wife have to have that loaf of bread from the store? Do your kids really need for you to go with them to pick out a new puppy? Or can your girlfriend or wife go with them instead? Delegate tasks, too. If you have kids who are old enough to successfully complete chores around the house, let your son (yes, boys should be taught to do housework, too) or daughter wash and dry the dinner dishes.  If you’re one of those persons who is always having people ask him/her to do things for them, start saying ‘no’ more often, even if you’re worried about displeasing them. Look, if someone’s love, acceptance, or approval of you is based on what you do for them, then it has strings attached. Don’t ever let yourself  be so caught up in meeting the needs of others—even if your spouse and/or children are the ‘others’ concerned—that you forget about the most important person: you.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

I love him or her so much, but. . . .

Okay. You’re in a relationship or friendship with someone whom you know is not a positive influence on your emotional and/or physical well-being? What do you do? Well, I’ve had many women and men come to me to ask my advice in regard to how they can extricate themselves from people whom they are emotionally attached to—in fact, may even very much love—yet who are bringing them more pain than happiness.  Because I cannot put myself in another person’s specific situation, I often hesitate to give advice that is overly emphatic. At the same time, I feel that it is of the utmost importance to look at your life and figure out whether the people whom you are closest to at the present time are helping you or hurting you. “But I love him/her so much,” are the words I continue to hear from those who want to end relationships, engagements, and. . .well, even marriages. Well, what you have to do is weigh the advantages and disadvantages of your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance/fiancee, or spouse. Is this person making your life better on a daily basis? Are they fully committed to making your relationship last? Or are you finding yourself in a situation where you are giving, say, 75% or even 80-90% to the relationship and your significant other is only giving 10-15%. If this is the scenario you are entangled in, is this acceptable on a long-term basis? And, if not, has your beloved one agreed to work to alter the behavior that you find unacceptable? Does he/she think your needs are as important as his/hers??

One of the things I frequently hear from women is that their boyfriends, fiances, or husbands do not demonstrate adequate affection and love towards them on a consistent basis. Well, all I can say is, figure out what you need and share your needs with the person you love. If he/she refuses to meet those needs, move on. Of course, in a marriage, there is more of a reason to hold on and try to work things out no matter what. Who wants to divorce, right? At the same time, remember that you are the most important person in your life. And, even if you have children, those kids are not going to benefit from continuing to be raised in a household where the two parents are not getting along well, are fighting all the time, and/or in a home where abuse (verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, etc.) is taking place. In cases of spousal abuse and things of this nature, my advice is always get out now. Men or women who abuse their partners, whether verbally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and/or sexually do not stand a very good chance of ever changing. For one thing, they rarely actually want to change, and as I continue to point out, those who change themselves and/or aspects of their behavior must make a conscious choice to change. No change will come about otherwise, although you may hear a lot of grandiose promises and a lot of convincing words. As we all know, however, actions are what really speak—words are just words. It may not be easy to treat the promises and pretty words of the person you love with indifference, but, in the long run, you will thank yourself for doing so. In addition, you will most likely thank your Success Diva for suggesting that you do so. Believe me, I understand how difficult it can be when you suddenly realize that loving someone deeply and eternally isn’t enough. It can be positively devastating. And I’m not going to be one of those “well-meaning” people who will tell you, while patting you on the shoulder or offering you a comforting hug, “Don’t worry, in time you’ll get over it.” There are relationships and people we have loved that many of us never will entirely “get over”.  There may always be certain songs that will always remind us of him/her, certain books that we cannot reading without thinking of him or her, in addition to memories we shared with him/her that left an indelible impression upon us. But then, I never told you that  you have to forget the person that you choose to let go of. For one thing, my telling you to forget him/her wouldn’t do you any good. For another, I cannot imagine ever forgetting anyone whom I thought was quite possibly the love of my life, much less someone whom I lived with and/or have created children with. Thus, I will refrain from sharing with you such insensitive advice. However, if you allow yourself to stop focusing on what is best for you, then you will never be able to create the life of your dreams.

Here are a few more words of advice on the same topic. If you are in a relationship now in which your boyfriend/girlfriend is already demonstrating signs that are indicative that he/she has personal issues that he/she has never worked through and/or are unwilling to work through, leave. After all, truly loving can be about letting go, too. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you can have a long-term relationship with that person nor does it mean that you’re destined to spend the rest of your life with him/her. He or she can be absolutely magnificent in many ways, but if there are negative character traits that are more predominant in his/her personality than those that made you fall in love with him or her, your future together is probably rather bleak. At the best, you will end up selling yourself  short by letting his or her needs continue to come before your own and by making sacrifices that you shouldn’t have to make. Yes, every relationship is about compromise to a certain extent, but when you begin to comprimise who you are just to please him or her, watch out. I would say you are in what is or will very soon become what a call a toxic relationship. Here are two links that may prove to be both helpful and enlightening:

Dealing with Toxic People

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art39146.asp

How to Handle Toxic People

http://hubpages.com/hub/ToxicPeople

  Sometimes, as the two sites I give links to above will inform you,  there is an underlying cause for behavior that is hurtful or even abusive. It can stem from an undiagnosed and/or untreated mental condition, such as bi-polar or manic-depressive disorder,  schizophrenia, or MPD (multiple personality disorder). I once knew someone who had to end his marriage to a woman he deeply loved because she was schizophrenic and refused to get adequate treatment. One thing that can be extremely difficult to do is to walk away from someone whom you suspect is mentally ill. On a certain level, you feel as if you are deserting him/her. However, look at it this way: unless you are a psychiatrist, you can only do so  much to help him/her. You cannot accurately diagnose him/her, you cannot prescribe or give him/her the medication he or she needs, and, ultimately, you will probably end up witnessing both your beloved one’s destruction as well as your own. Again I repeat: truly loving can often be about letting go. If you find it nearly impossible to let go, ask yourself this: why am I holding onto him/her? His he/she fulfilling some need in my life that I am not fully acknowledging? For instance, could you have a desire to reach out to others and help them? Might some part of you like the idea of helping another person work through issues and becoming his or her “savoir”? Be brutally honest with yourself and answer the questions as candidly as you can. It never does us any good when we lie to ourselves. It only prevents us from being able to create the life of our dreams. . . .and that’s what you want, isn’t it?? I know it is because you’re still reading my blog.

Assuming that you are in a situation in which you know you must let go of someone you quite possibly love as much as you love yourself, I realize that you’re going to want to ask: How do I do this? Do I just walk away? What do I say? Well, if you are married to the person you need to have out of your life, I cannot offer you a simple answer. I would separate from him/her as soon as I could do so and begin divorce proceedings. If, for religious reasons, you do not believe in divorce, a permanent separation is what I would suggest. If you have children, this advice still applies. As for a relationship in which you are not bound to the person via wedding vows, leave as swiftly as you can, but in the way that will bring the least pain to both you and your beloved one. Do not expend energy on telling him/her what you really think of him/her and do not engage in any actions that might be evoked by a desire for revenge. I suspect that if you are at Success Diva’s blog, you don’t allow yourself and your conduct to be ruled by negative and destructive emotions, but when it comes to love, some of us are capable of getting overly passionate, and sometimes our passion can cause us to act in a way that ends up harming both ourselves and others. But, you ask, ” What if I never fall in love again?” Well, I am not obviously going to predict what the future might hold for you. Yet, even if  you should spend the rest of your life alone, your life will still be yours. And there is no reason that you cannot create the life of your dreams, with or without a great love. How many people who have achieved remarkable things and/or have made a tremendous impact on the world have had to content themselves with success in their career endeavors at the expense of  love, romance, and/or long-term companionship? I’m not suggesting that you do so or that you should have to do so. But I assume you wouldn’t be so interested in success if you wanted to devote most of your time, energy, and effort to a relationship that would never bring you ultimate fulfillment or happiness, and that might even be in the process of destroying you, or, at the least, will bring about your ultimate destruction. So, do yourself a favor and let go of any and all relationships and/or friendships (more on friendships in a future post from your Success Diva) that are having an unhealthy and/or destructive impact on you and your life. And don’t wait to do so. Do it now. Things that are already bad have a tendency to get worse instead of better.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

Need my advice about a specific situation you are dealing with? Write me at successdiva7@yahoo.com I will respond to any mail I receive at this account as soon as I possibly can.