Live Without Limits!

ballerina31I have oftentimes said that in order to achieve the results we want in any area of our lives, we have to discover the ingredients we need to make those results happen. Pretend for just one moment that you are a master chef who is creating a new recipe with no guidance or direction . . . a recipe that will be the product of creativity, expertise, knowledge, and perhaps a dash of two of instinct. Do you see that having each ingredient in the right proportion will be essential to the eventual outcome? This may sound a bit like a scientific experiment to some of you, and in a way life can be like that, also. When we find that the thought patterns and attitudes that we have held onto for so long are no longer working for us, we are forced to either remain unfulfilled or to explore new choices and different decisions.

As I said in my blog article “Be Yourself”, you cannot always count on someone else backing you up in a decision that you make. Why? Well, although there are those toxic individuals who might well not have your best interest at heart, there are also those people who are rather timid souls themselves and are therefore apt to discourage you from taking any major risks.

I’m sure you realize by now that I am a diva who is willing to take risks. But that doesn’t mean that I have’t had plenty of times in which I have either pressured myself or  been pressured by others into continuing down a path that was not the right one for me.

To cut away from the path that has been chosen by you or by others for you requires you to be bold and daring. Does it require you to let go of fear? No, it doesn’t. What it does require, however, is for you to allow your faith in yourself to overcome your fear.

Susan Jeffers wrote a book entitled Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and I think that title sums up the kind of attitude towards life that you have to adopt. If you wait for fear to go away, you will die with most of your potential still locked inside you. Conversely, if you understand that only until you push past the fear and do what you want to do or need to do in spite of fear, you will end up creating the kind of life that you have always desired.

I remember reading Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway a couple of years ago. I thought I had absorbed the concept of the book completely. For a few weeks, I recommended the book to everyone who crossed my path, thinking that it contained the “secret” to ultimate success and fulfillment. The problem was, even though I had read every word in Susan Jeffers’ book, I had not learned how to apply the knowledge I had acquired.  Have you ever listened to a self-help CD program or read a motivational book and felt incredibly enthusiastic about it only to find that the feeling was only temporary? If so, why do you think that is? Well, for one thing, you have probably fallen into a set of habits in your life–habits that pretty much have control over most of your thoughts and actions.

The American psychologist and philosopher William James, in his work The Principles of Psychology, discusses the role that habit plays in our destiny in the chapter entitled “Habit”. James recounts incidents in which people’s habits have become so deeply ingrained that much of the time they do not even think about that which they are doing. He encourages us to make our nervous system our ally in the establishment of a new habit, for it is within our nervous system that habits take root, for better or worse. 

When someone talks about being on “automatic pilot,” what he or she means is that whatever action is being spoken of has become almost entirely automatic on his or her part. In a way, if you let enough of your habits become automatic, you are more like an automaton than a human being. That is, of course, an exaggeration. Yet I think it points out with remarkable clarity how dangerous it could be to allow yourself to lapse into a mode in which your cognitive functions are scarcely being used at all.

One thing that sets humans apart from animals is our ability to reason and to make conscious choices about our behavior. In the animal world, procreation is more of an instinct than a decision, whereas many people never have offspring. When we choose to ignore the pivotal role that our mind and our thoughts have in our lives, we are negating that which sets us apart as unique and remarkable human beings. At any given moment in time, we have the ability to make a change in our lives, whether small or large, simply by changing the way we think. Yet, so many of us do not take advantage of this incredible ability we possess. Yes, sometimes it is a struggle to change our thoughts when our emotions are in conflict with those thoughts.  But when we minimize our instinctual responses and try to tap into our incredible reasoning capabilities, we will usually find that we can make a change that might have seemed impossible at first.

Since I mentioned recipes, cooking, and ingredients at the beginning of my post, I want to return to the idea of life being like a recipe. There are not only things you have to put into the recipe but also there are ingredients that you have to leave out. That means that concocting the dish of your dreams may be as much about letting go as it is about increasing. Some things that you will find necessary to let go of may not ever have been very important to you. You may not miss a friend whom you only saw a couple of times a year or a summer vacation to Disney World.  And, deleting trivial relationships and insignificant activities from your life can accomplish a great deal.

But, there are usually a few things in life that we are attached to that we find we must also let go of . . .  if, that is, we are to create a life that even begins to match up with our dreams. We may have to break ties with a toxic parent who continues to be an unhealthy influence on our lives. Or we might have to give up our “secure” job to pursue a career that everyone else tells us is “wishful thinking”. Do you see where feeling the fear yet doing it anyway is such a powerful and essential philosophy?

The writer Anais Nin once said, “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” I think that waiting until the idea of not taking a risk becomes painful is not necessarily the wisest course of action. However, if you need to get to that point to become aware of how desperately you need to make a change or take a chance, it is a positive turn of events. I have spent my life taking risks of one kind or another, and I have oftentimes been asked by people where what they perceive to be a steadfast confidence in myself and my abilities comes from.

When I tell them that I actually have to overcome a massive amount of fear to do whatever it is that they find so remarkable, they find it astonishing. This is usually because many people assume that anyone who would dare to take a significant risk must have a sense of assurance that taking that risk will be to their benefit. But, what is the truth? Even though most of us were adventurous when we were children, as we grow up, it is nearly impossible not to be conditioned by society and those around us into believing that there are certain things we simply cannot do.

So, why do certain individuals go after goals that would seem unreachable to some and actually achieve them? Is it probable that these particular people never came into contact with anyone who discouraged them? I think both you and I know the answer to that question. If anything, those who have accomplished things of the greatest significance have had to overcome an outrageous amount of criticism and/or negativity in order to do so. What they did not generally have to overcome is a timidity of the soul that prevented them from being willing to cast aside the opinions of others and pursue their dreams regardless of anyone else’s advice or views. In the end, no matter how many times these incredible achievers listened to those who had no faith in them and their dreams–no matter how many times they allowed these naysayers to affect their behavior–they ultimately believed in themselves enough to go after what they wanted.

Whenever I speak of faith, I tend to suspect that many of you think I am talking about religious faith. But that isn’t what I’m speaking of. Although it can indeed be beneficial to have faith in a force greater than yourself, what I am talking about is faith in you. It’s so easy to exaggerate our flaws and to focus on our past failures and disappointments. After awhile, the person we see ourselves as is not the person we are but rather the person whom our decisions and actions have made us believe that we are. It takes a lot of effort and determination to let go of every negative judgement you’ve made about yourself and every preconceived idea you may be subscribing to about your abilities. Yet, until you can separate the “you” that you are from the “you” that you think you are, you will never become the person that you are meant to be. 

You have to take off those dusty spectacles through which you are seeing yourself and the world around you and put on a clean pair of glasses that will enable you to see everything the way it really is. You do want to perceive things from a realistic vantage point, don’t you? Well then, it’s essential that you be willing to let go of your limiting ideas and your narrow-minded views. Then, you can embrace the full potentiality of who you are and all the possibilities and opportunities that are waiting for you in your life.

Sure, you will make mistakes when you decide to be adventurous and take risks. Yes, you will disappoint people when your actions and choices fail to match up with what they think you should do. You will probably also not meet the expectations others have of you . . . possibly even those whose approval and acceptance you have been completely dependent on. But what’s better–disappointing everyone else or disappointing yourself?

You know in your heart that there is something right now you want to do that you’re not doing. There is a choice or a change you want to make that you are apprehensive about. Well, what is apprehension but another form of fear? It is with courage that we achieve great things.

Fear only weakens us. Although it may seem to be protecting us from making a decision that could be wrong, it is actually eroding every bit of our self-confidence. When you protect yourself, you are also shielding yourself. You are putting a barrier up between yourself and everything that surrounds you. I still maintain that it is important to guard our hearts. But there is a vast difference in preserving our emotional well-being and protecting ourselves from the universe that surrounds us.

You can be trusting and still be careful. You can be wise yet still be vulnerable. I love the verse in the Bible that says, “be shrewd as serpents, and innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16). I think that passage of scripture illustrates how well two seemingly contradictory attributes can work together. We do need to be able to appreciate the beauty and wonder of the world with the innocence of a dove . . . or, as the case may be, of a child. At the same time, if we do not use discernment and wisdom in all that we do, we will be ravaged by the cruelty and brutality of those who have lost all sense of humanity.

I have perfect faith that every one of you who is reading this post is going to discover that you are capable of much more than you ever imagined. And I hope that you won’t wait another moment to let go of your mental restraints and limiting beliefs so that you can live a life without limits!

Until soon,

Alexis, the SuccessDiva

This page and all written material at the SuccessDiva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate, the SuccessDiva

Am I just another self-help guru?

When I started this blog, my intention was to present everything from my own personal perspective. That is, I didn’t want to rely on the information I had absorbed from the books on success, creating the ‘life of your dreams’, and other similar topics that I’ve read through the years. Now perhaps it’s inevitable that some of the insight this diva shares with you has been influenced by the motivational books she’s read and the tapes and CDs she has listened to.  But. . .I will say that I’m not directly or intentionally ‘borrowing’ other people’s ideas. To truly live life fully and richly, I think each of us has to be a ‘sponge’ to a certain extent. That is, I believe that we must absorb as much as we can from the information and knowledge that others pass on to us. Don’t you agree? If, for instance, we are able to walk into a meadow covered with red poppies and yet we fail to notice the color and beauty of the poppies. . .I would have to ask, are we observant enough? If we can look at a rainbow in the sky and not be struck with its radiance, what has happened to that child we once were? Do you remember the first time you felt the rain against your skin or the first time that you saw snow fall from the sky? How old were you? A cousin of mine had to help her daughter with a school paper a couple of years ago, and the subject of the paper was her daughter’s ‘first snow.’ What was interesting—and yes, also a little sad—is that my cousin couldn’t remember the first time her daughter had seen snow. She could remember when the family dog had gone out for the first time in the snow because she had taken pictures of him wallowing in it. But the memory of her daughter walking or playing in the snow had clearly vanished from her mind. How many of us truly do fail to remember some of the most important moments of our lives?

The Success Diva got a message from someone who had happened upon her site this afternoon. It said: “In response to whether or not I am living the life of my dreams, what I am living is the lie of my dreams.” The first question I wanted to ask this person was, And are you happy living a lie? Is that what your dream is, a life of lies? However, I chose not to respond at all, for I understood long ago that there are only certain people who will be open to the advice I share. Some people have already closed themselves off from certain things. They have chosen the frame for the painting that is their life and they are unwilling to look around for a larger and more beautiful frame. Generally, these same individuals have also chosen the colors that they will make use of to paint the picture of their lives.  And no matter how limited that palette of colors is, unless they come to the point where they want to experiment and try new and different colors, they will be limiting themselves to painting exclusively in those colors.  Have you ever looked at a painting by an artist such as Monet, Chagall, Gaugin, or Van Gogh in a museum and wondered how many different shades of blue, and yellow, and red, and green it must have taken for them to create a masterpiece like that? Do you know anything about the life of Jan Vermeer? Have you, by any chance, seen the film “The Girl With the Pearl Earring?” Are you aware of what great pains Vermeer took to create the shades of paint that he wanted? For example, lapis lazuli was used to obtain a specific shade of blue. Vermeer was never wealthy, but because he was living his life with passion and pursuing that which brought him fulfillment he was able to create the life of his dreams. Having money, fame, and fortune is not something that anyone can ever promise you. And, no matter how many changes you make in your life or how open you are to the Success Diva’s suggestions, wealth and international renown are things that are never guaranteed. Many of you probably would say that you wouldn’t even want such things as you are not interested in material possessions or public acclaim. However, some people do deny that they desire that which they secretly yearn for. When the world mourned the death of pop icon Michael Jackson, they were also mourning the fact that they no longer had another person’s fame to be a part of. As difficult as it might be for some of Jackson’s fans to admit, the reason that his life and career had such an impact on them was because the part of them that had been unfulfilled was living through Jackson’s accomplishments. To look at someone like Jackson and see that he is living what you perceive to be the life of his dreams can make you feel both admiration and envy, even if you are unwilling to confess that you feel the least bit envious. And, of course, there are those people who have already reconciled themselves to the life they’re living right now, no matter how unhappy or unsuccessful it is. For these people, immersing themselves in the fame and glory of celebrities like Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, and Madonna is a way to distract them from the fact that they have so many dreams that they have already chosen to push aside. In a way, focusing on the lives of those who are living the sorts of lives that most of us only fantasize about is a way to escape our own inner discontentment. But as you probably have guessed, trying to escape from the pain, emptiness, and unhappiness you are feeling inside is only a temporary antidote. Sooner or later, you will have to face that pain, that emptiness, and that unhappiness.  And the longer you wait to do so, the more difficult it will be to do so.

Sometimes I feel like the things I am telling you must seem as if they come from others who have tried to inspire people via through books, seminars, tape programs, and so forth. Hence the title of this blog post, Am I just Another Self-Help Guru? To be honest, I easily could be just that. However, I often get the feeling that some of those people are more interested in the benefits that the advice they are sharing with others will bring them—such as money and fame—than they are with truly helping other people. I do see why there might be a certain amount of skepticism in regard to anyone who says that her mission in life is to reach out to others and help them create the life of their dreams. In a world where so many people are only looking out for #1 (i.e., themselves), why shouldn’t someone be looking for the Success Diva to have a hidden agenda? All I can say, in response to the cynics and skeptics is that every bit of advice and insight I am sharing with others comes straight from the heart of this diva. If I didn’t completely believe everything I’m telling all of you, I wouldn’t have created this blog in the first place! I’m certain that many of you think that the Success Diva must have a life that’s pretty much in keeping with what the life of her dreams would be if she is going out of her way to share her suggestions and the wisdom that she has gained from her experiences with you. Well, the truth is that the life I am living now and the life that I want to have are two entirely separate things. However, I have made the choice to build the ship that will steer me to that other side of the ocean where the life of my dreams awaits me. You see, whether we like it or not, our lives are going to pass whether we make the most of them or not. If we choose to let opportunities pass us by. . .if we decide not to opt for happiness or love when it comes our way. . .well, the only person who is going to miss out on anything is us. Although it would please me greatly if I knew that all of you were living happy, fulfilled, and successful lives, whether you make the choices that will make this possible or not isn’t something that will directly affect me. I do know some of you, but there are many of you whom I don’t know and never will know. To imagine that my life will be impacted greatly whether you live the life of your dreams or not is not logical or realistic. Yes, it will sadden me to think that you have chosen to deprive yourself of the happiness, love, success, and joy that could have been yours for the asking. . .but knowing that I have done all I could to help you bring these things into your life will be enough to leave me with a feeling of contentment. As I have said before, nobody, including your Success Diva, can change your life for you. You have to do that. And to all those detractors and naysayers, all I can say is that if you are truly happy living in the box you have chosen to place yourself and your life in, then continue living exactly as you are now. Who’s going to stop you? Not this diva! She’s busy enough sharing her insight and input with those who are genuinely open to receiving it.

Live today with passion. . .make every moment matter!

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

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