for some, it’s all about them. . .

cat-snowwhite and the mirrorAs someone who feels that it is her personal mission (ever heard of writing a personal mission statement? No, well. . .we’ll talk about that later) to reach out to others and share with them her insight and ideas, this diva is grieved whenever she encounters those who reject that which she has to offer. Hey, it’s inevitable that such people exist. Why? Well, let’s face it, if this world were full of nothing but positive people, it would be an entirely different place. What frustrates (yes, frustration is a negative emotion. I admit it!) is that no matter how much I try to help and/or show affection to some people, they end up showing a  lack of gratitude at one time or another. “Okay,” you say, “but that’s the way the world works.” You know what? You’re right. However, I tend to think that such individuals are not applying the principles that your Success Diva promotes. Rather than the world not being just about them. . .it really is all about them. “But wait,” you interject, “you have said more than once that each of is the star of our own show.” Sure, that is what I said. But that doesn’t mean that you forget about everyone else’s needs besides your own. To put your needs first in no way means the needs of those whom you care about are unimportant. Does it? It simply means that you understand and realize that only in putting you first can you be all you want to be to those special people in your life. For those of you who are mothers, you know how easy it is to become so wrapped up in your child’s concerns and wants that you forget all about you. I’m not speaking of the things your child actually needs, for what mother who truly loves her child/children doesn’t do her best to provide her child/children with everything he/she/they need (s)? No, what I’m talking about are those times when you choose to spend yet another hour playing with your daughter or son, even though you really need a quiet hour to yourself, perhaps reading one of your favorite authors or writing in your journal. It may seem as if you’re being selfish to spend time on you, but, in the long run, you’re doing both you and your child a favor. I oftentimes notice that parents who devote themselves exclusively to their children and their children’s wants end up losing their temper, getting impatient, and exhibiting other signs of behavior that convey their personal lack of self-fulfillment. It isn’t a matter of it not being just about them—it’s not about them at all. Rather, it’s about a child who will probably grow up feeling that, if  he/she isn’t the center of attention, something must be wrong. When I was a child, I spent a large amount of time practicing music every day. So, I never had the chance to feel I wasn’t being given enough attention because I was alone with whatever musical instrument I was practicing and was generally completely occupied with this activity. My mother was the sort of woman who would willingly have sacrificied all her wants to make me happy, yet she never had the chance to do that since my primary occupation was music practice. I do feel that my mother began identifying herself too closely with the role of being a mother. If I had it to over with, once I was old enough to understand how important it is for parents to have time to pursue their own interests, I would have encouraged her to engage in more activities that were focused primarily on her. However, there are so many things we tend to ignore when we are children. We look towards our parents to provide all the love we need, which means that, at a certain age, we find it difficult to love ourselves, particularly if one or both of our parents failed to give us the unconditional love that we sought and needed. Believe me, neither of my parents were perfect. Of course, who is perfect? Moreover, my father was too young and immature to understand what being a father really meant. He was obsessed with work and spent most of his time away from home. When he was around, he was often verbally, emotionally, and even physically abusive. Without sharing parts of my personal life story (if you know me privately, I’m sure you can fill in a few blanks), I will say that I still have psychological scars from my childhood. At the same time, there were certain things that I was taught that I am very grateful for. I learned a definitive work ethic at a very young age, and I also grew up to understand that integrity, honesty, self-discipline (even if you don’t think you have it, look for it and you might just find it), and compassion are more important than money, material possessions, and other things of a similar nature. It fills my heart with delight whenever someone tells my mother what a lovely and sweet daughter she has raised. I’m certain it makes her proud, also. Indeed, I’m certain that what makes her most proud of me has nothing to do with the things I’ve accomplished. Rather, she is proud of the person I am inside. Have you ever read author and wit extraordinaire Oscar Wilde’s famous novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray?  Or, if you haven’t read the book, have you seen the film, by any chance? Well, I cannot think that there is a better indication of how outer beauty can mask inner hideousness than that particular story. What does it matter if you are exquisite without if you are filled with bitterness, malice, cruelty, vindictiveness, and other poisonous emotions inside?? In the long run, those emotions will destroy your beauty, no matter how magnificent it once was. The people we are and become have a way of revealing themselves to those around us in the most extraordinary ways. Don’t think that you are just fooling yourself if you are thriving on malignant emotions but are showing a mask of goodness and kindness to the world. The masks we wear are sometimes not nearly as opaque as we might think. And ultimately, the person who will be affected most by those pernicious emotions you may be nourishing yourself with is (yes, you guessed it!) you.

It’s easy to blame our childhood and/or the pain others have caused us for the person we are right now. In fact, it’s far easier to do this than to accept responsibility for who we are. And yet, we will never be able to lead the life that we desire until we understand that we are responsible for the person we are and for the life we are leading. What does this mean? Am I suggesting that you crucify yourself for the bad decisions and the cruel things you might have done?? No, I’m not. What I am suggesting is that you decide to make a change starting right now. On a certain level, I think we all do the best we can at the point of our lives that we’re at. Life is like a long and curving road, and that road is much smoother in some places than it is in others. We will never have all the answers nor is wisdom something that you will ever have enough of. But from reading some of my posts and absorbing my ideas and my insight, I hope that you will be willing to admit that you may still have things to learn about life. I hope, too, that you will be willing to learn those things, rather than simply saying that the way you are now is the way you’re probably destined to be. I have invented a new phrase that I feel sums up those people who focus on their own needs at the expense of anyone else’s needs. They have IAATD. Do you know what that is?? Well, it’s “It’s All About Them Disorder“. Now, maybe I emphasized the fact that you’re the star of your own show a bit too strongly. Who knows? I don’t retract anything I’ve said in my previous posts, but I will say that being the star of your show and being the only star in your show are two entirely separate things. Did I not mention how important it is to be part of a team? When have you seen a team in which each player was thinking only of what was best for him or her? If you have ever watched the Olympics, I’m sure you’ve noticed how ALL the players in a team sport relish and delight in the successes of their fellow team members. Did you have a chance to catch the Olympics last summer? If so, didn’t you see how happy the all-around Olympic champion in female gymnastics, Nastia Liukin, was when her teammate, Shawn Johnson, won a gold medal in one of the individual events? And did you also notice the way Shawn Johnson was smiling when Nastia won the all-around gold medal? Don’t you think Shawn must have been disappointed that she didn’t win that all-around gold medal ? Of course, she was. But being the champion she is, she understands that only in being happy in the victories that others achieve will we ever experience any personal triumphs.

When I was an actress, I had a tendency to let my competitive instincts prevent me from fully being pleased when actresses whom I knew got parts in plays that I had auditioned for. I also found it difficult at times to be excited when an actress had the chance to be in a production that was of a higher quality than the production I was acting in at the time. If this means I was a little jealous, okay—I was jealous. Do you think this jealousy helped me in any way? No, it didn’t. It only prevented me from being able to make the most of certain opportunities that came my way. You see, these negative emotions have a way of creating misery in a person’s life sooner or later. You might think that it isn’t doing you any harm to resent someone or even feel contempt or malice towards them. However, you will ultimately pay the price for allowing yourself to keep these emotions as pets. It’s sort of like keeping mildewed cheese or a rotten egg in your refrigerator. I don’t know about you, but after a time, that rotten egg or that mildewed cheese starts to smell terribly bad. In fact, it starts to stink up your entire refrigerator. So, what I’m basically saying is that negative and destructive emotions belong in a garbage can, along with all the other trash. Let the garbage men take them to the dump—don’t keep them around the house.

I want to say a few more things about the IAATD (It’s All About Them Disorder). When you encounter people who have this disorder, the best thing you can do is let them know that you are there if they need you and then simply let go. An alternative to this is to walk away entirely, and that is a choice that you must make for yourself. Your diva isn’t going to say, “Hey, get so-and-so out of your life.” What I will say is that IAATD can be contagious if you spend too much time around someone with it. It’s ideal if you can surround yourself with as many positive, encouraging, and loving people as possible. The people you have in your life should support you in all of your endeavors. When you have to start explaining what you’re doing to them or defending yourself to them or proving to them that you still care about them, even though you aren’t able to give them as much attention as they might like, then you’ve crossed paths with someone who has IAATD. Unfortunately, a lot of people with IAATD like themselves the way they are. Indeed, they are very content focusing exclusively on themselves and what’s best for them. So, even though you can make an effort to help them see the light (so to speak), I would imagine that they’ve gotten so accustomed to the darkness that they have started to enjoy it. But, if you think someone whom you care about who has IAATD is willing to change, by all means let them know that the path to true happiness comes from making sure your life isn’t just about you.

For those who have discovered this blog via Facebook, I want you to know how pleased I am that you’re here. I have done my best to promote my blog at that site as I happen to think there are people there who can truly benefit from what I have to say. Please don’t forget that writing me personally for specific help and/or input is always something I appreciate. My e-mail address is successdiva7@yahoo.com  Also, I do accept most friend requests at Facebook. I think that only in having an open mind and a caring heart can anyone ever experience ultimate joy, fulfillment, and success.

I encourage you to live every moment like it truly matters. Make each hour count! Live with passion and enthusiasm.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

Please join my mailing list! Okay.  .  .I won’t beg. But it would make me one happy diva indeed if you would join the Success Diva mailing list.  To subscribe (and, yes, it’s free!), go here:

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This page and all the written material at The Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved.  (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

You are the Star. . .

star3

 Life has a way of being all about peaks and valleys, doesn’t it? There are days when you really don’t feel like getting out of bed. . .and other days when you awaken and seem to see the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, even though it’s raining. How do I know this? Well, I’m much more like you than you might think. This diva is certainly not always on top of the world. Indeed, there are moments when writing one of my incomparable Success Diva updates actually seems like an overwhelming task. And I use the word ‘task’ to illustrate a point: when I am having what I would call a day of joy, sharing my thoughts and ideas with all of you is something I look forward to. However, on days when I am tired or in pain or simply feeling disheartened, it’s not always easy for me to inspire or uplift those around me, even though I care about each and every one of you so very much. But you know what? I think we have to look at life the way a theatre actress or actor looks upon going onstage every night. Am I making sense? Well, let me elaborate. I was once a stage actress, and I remember well those nights when having to face a live audience was almost more than I could bear. It wasn’t that I didn’t love to act or that I didn’t feel I was adequately prepared. It was usually that I hadn’t slept well. . .or that there were other things going on in my life that were making me miserable. .  .or, well, you get the idea by now, don’t you? The situation is, generally speaking, the thing that was making me feel apprehensive about going onstage usually didn’t have anything to do with the play itself or my performance in it. I remember once when I nearly forgot my lines during a performance of Friedrich Durrenmatt’s play, The Physicists. Was it because I don’t have a good memory? No, I have an excellent memory. Was it because I hadn’t rehearsed often enough? Indeed not. It was because I had insomnia the night before and had gotten two or three hours of sleep. Well, guess what? That just happened to be the very night that an important theatre director came to see the show. Things have a way of being like that in life, don’t they? It’s rather like meeting a beautiful woman or a handsome man at the grocery store when you know you aren’t looking your best. You’d really like to run and hide in the bathroom or around the corner, but you know that if you do you’ll miss the chance of meeting someone whom you might be interested in. So, what do you do? Do you take a chance? Of course, you do. Why? Because even though a lot of things in your life haven’t turned out the way you wanted them to, you know that only in not trying will you ever truly fail. Success in any area of your life isn’t something that will ever happen overnight. Rather, it is a result of the choices you make on a daily basis. The success expert and author, Dennis Waitley, said something that I have posted by my computer: “Real success comes in small portions day by day.” And you know what? He’s right. Of course, I’m perfectly willing to admit that Dennis Waitley knows a lot more about success than I do. He’s been studying success for a few decades, whereas. . .well, I’m a bit of a novice, really. However, I do continually study success, along with other subjects that I wish to master. Since you’re smart, I know that you already realize that the only way to ever get good at anything is to study it. Did you manage to ride a bicycle smoothly the first time you tried? I doubt it. To this day, I am not very adept at riding a bicycle. Know why? Well, it’s mostly because my father became very impatient with me growing up, and, rather than understanding that learning to ride a bicycle would take time, he thought I should be able to ride one beautifully within a matter of minutes. Well, that isn’t how life works. Is that fair? Actually, I think it is. I believe that the patience a person must acquire in order to master something—even something as simple as riding a bicycle—enables him/her to weather the storms that life sends his/her way. If everything we ever wanted was handed to us on a platter made out of platinum and encrusted with diamonds without us having to do anything to get it, what would that teach us? Do you think we would really be happy? Admittedly, there are times when you are tempted to say “Well, sure, I’d be happy.” I’ve felt that way, too. So, you’re not alone. At the same time, there is a feeling of sincere and deep accomplishment when we achieve something that we’ve really had to work for. When that which we want is something we have had to earn, it makes us value it a lot more. This is why we must have confidence in ourselves that we can accomplish our goals and that we can make our dreams into a reality.

Look, I am here to offer you my insight and my support, but you know what? You’re the star in your own show. If William Shakespeare is right (and why shouldn’t he have been?) and life is a stage and all the people in it are actors, who is going to be playing the lead in your show?? If you don’t think it’s you, then you need to stop and evaluate the way you’re seeing your life. In order to make your dreams come true, you have to be the one starring in your production. You may have a magnificent spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, loving and encouraging friends, and a family who truly does want to see you succeed, but none of those people should be the star in your show. Nope, you are the star. You and nobody but you. As I said in my very first post at this blog, it’s all about YOU. Now, what did I mean by “it?” It means life. . .specifically, your life. So, I could easily have mentioned the concept of your being the star of your show at that point. However, I only thought of it now. You see what I mean when I confess that this diva doesn’t plan her posts far in advance?? I am completely spontaneous, which is something that has gotten me into my share of difficulties before, I assure you! *wink* But I think it’s far better to be spontaneous than to plan things too much. There’s nothing wrong with having one year, five year, and even lifetime goals. . .but, on a daily basis, you have to allow yourself room to do something impulsive, whether it’s deciding to go out to lunch with a friend or shop in some vintage clothing stores like my good friend, Diana. This doesn’t mean that you engage in such activities at the expense of the things that you absolutely must do. However, it is important to be at least reasonably flexible.

Another friend of mine, Sarah, is constantly finding that she gets so caught up in the things that have to be done that she doesn’t have enough time just for her. What comes into play here—and it’s very helpful, by the way—is making a list (at least a mental list, although writing it down is even better, in this particular instance) of the things that are urgent and the things that are important. Often that which seems urgent isn’t really urgent at all. For example, it might seem to be urgent that you make your husband’s favorite dish for dinner, but is it important? I sometimes find myself writing e-mails or making phone calls that I could have put off or doing other things that I have allowed the urgency of the moment to lead me into succumbing to. The most important things are usually those things that involve spending time with someone instead of doing something for them. In other words, if you have a friend who has a birthday tomorrow and you haven’t yet gotten him/her a present, and you already have so much on your to-do list that day that you don’t know how you’re going to fit in anything more, decide whether or not it might not be better to buy a card (or use one you already have around the house), and tell your friend that you’ll be giving them a present, but you haven’t yet been able to decide on just the right thing. “But I couldn’t do that!,” you exclaim. “It would seem as if his/her birthday wasn’t important to me.” Whoa. Hold on. If you’re putting your friend’s needs before yours, who is the one who is in charge of your life? Is it your friend or you? “But I have to be thoughtful,” you say, “and besides, he/she gave me such a beautiful sweater for my birthday. I have to give more than a card!!” Of course, you have to give more than a card. And you know what? You will. But who is the star of your life? Is it your friend or is it you? And if this friend is worthy of a lovely present, than he/she would surely care about  you enough that he/she wouldn’t want you to stress yourself out over his/her birthday. Am I not right? Father’s Day came around this year, and I hadn’t yet purchased a present for my father. Now he and I aren’t very close, to be honest. Indeed, we have had periods of estrangement between us that have lasted for. . .well, a few years. However, we are on good terms again, and I was certainly committed to remembering him on Father’s Day. I was simply very late about ordering his present, and I realized the week before Father’s Day that there was no way I could count on the fact that the book I wanted to get him from Amazon would reach him on time. So, I sent him a $4 Father’s Day card and told him that a special present would be on its way. As you see, there is a way to solve these issues when they come up. Similarly, I have arrived home from grocery shopping at ten o’clock in the evening before and have wanted to prepare a somewhat elaborate dinner. To me, it seemed urgent that I prepare my special roasted potatoes before the potatoes started to spoil. But what was more important? Preparing the dinner of my desires or making sure I got to bed before I was so tired that I could barely stand up? I’m sure you know the answer to that. Phone calls and e-mails are two areas of your life that you need to use the urgent vs. important tactic with. Make sure that the people whom you are calling and/or writing must be written or called on that specific day. If a call or e-mail can be postponed, do it. And don’t spend time sending short e-mails or making short phone calls saying that you’ll “write more later”. I used to do this sort of thing all the time, and, while it is sometimes essential, more often than not, you’ll notice that you end up writing or talking almost as much as you would have if you had fully committed yourself to the task. Remember: you must be the star of your own show. Everyone else in your life is a supporting player. The person who is closest to you—whether it be a spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend or parent/close relative—should be looked upon as a co-star. But you are the person who receives top billing. When you think of a film with a big-name star such as Julia Roberts or Tom Cruise, don’t you often find yourself associating their name with the film’s title? For example, haven’t you ever found yourself saying that you’re going to the theatre to see “the new Johnny Depp movie” or “the latest Michelle Pfeiffer flick.” I know I have. . .although I rarely go to movie theaters these days. However, when I order a film from the library, for example (and they have the latest releases, by the way, which is something you should know now that video rentals are so expensive), I find myself looking up films I might want to see via a specific star’s name. If I want to see a film starring Angelina Jolie, I don’t put the name of one of her co-stars in the library search engine. Am I making a point?? And I don’t think most of us even remember the other ladies who made up the singing group, “The Supremes”. Who do we remember? Why Diana Ross, of course. Why? Because she was the star. It was her show and she knew it.

And that’s what you must know, too. You are the star. Don’t decide that you have to find the ‘ideal’ supporting cast in order to make your production a hit. You don’t even have to have a co-star. When you’re a true star, you can carry the show all by yourself with very little assistance. But are you ready to take on the role of superstar? Are you ready to step onto the stage and take the world by storm?? If not, why not? If you’re afraid, then use that fear as energy to make your show a true success. You can do it, you know. You know you can. And I know that deep within yourself, no matter what you think, you are fully capable of being the star in your production.

For now, remember that to be content to merely fly when you can soar is not enough. So, make the most of every day. . .and cherish every minute.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

 

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This page and all written material at The Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva