toxic people | Successdiva's Blog

Steer Your Ship!

September 3, 2009 at 4:29 pm (The Success Diva Speaks)
Tags: actor, actress, alcohol, attractive, audition, Barbra Streisand, captain, career, Cary Grant, Dorothy DeLay, dreams, drugs, Heath Ledger, I Can Get It For You Wholesale, Jim Belushi, Kurt Cobain, Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg, On My Way, perception, positive thinking, River Phoenix, self-image, self-respect, ship, subconscious, Successdiva's Blog, surgeon, The Juilliard School, The Success Diva, The Walter W. Naumburg International Violin Competition, theater, toxic people, toxic thoughts, violin, violinist

boat1 I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three ways to live: you can live without any dreams, you can be a dreamer, or you can have dreams and dance those dreams into reality. You can either take the initiative to design your own life, or you can let circumstances and other people mold your life for you. What you’ll end up with is something akin to a manufactured product, rather than something definitive and organic—but, hey, you’ll have made the choice. Right?

It’s easy to shrug off things like positive thinking if we’ve been living with our negative thought patterns for a long time. They’ve almost become a source of comfort to us—something that we rely upon, and maybe even use as an excuse for the times when we do not measure up to the expectations that other people have of us. Perhaps it’s easier to say, “Well, what did you expect of me? I’m just a born loser anyway!” when we disappoint a parent, friend, or partner.

The problem is, although at first our subconscious rejects these thoughts, after awhile, we begin to accept them as a reality. If we tell ourselves that we’re overweight or unattractive for a long enough period of time, even if we’re slim, fit, and extremely good-looking, we will begin to develop a very poor self-image. I read about a situation in which a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her nose fixed. She had always felt that she was tremendously unattractive because of what she perceived to be an ugly nose. Well, even though the surgeon gave her the nose that she had always dreamed of having, she was unable to see herself as being pretty because she was still holding onto the image of herself as an unattractive person.

The truth is, no matter how much time or money you spend on your appearance to try to make yourself beautiful or attractive, unless you alter your perception of yourself, you will continue to see the same person you’ve always seen when you look into the mirror. Similarly, even if you have several degrees and academic accolades, if you persist in imagining yourself to be stupid, you will continue to see yourself as stupid, in spite of your level of education and/or academic excellence. And how you see yourself directly determines how you will behave. If you think you are not deserving of an opportunity that comes your way, you will manage to reject it, whether you intend to or not. For example, if you are an actress and you have a chance to audition for an important part in a top-notch play, how you succeed at that audition will probably be determined by how worthy you think you are of getting the part. If you walk into the audition slumping, holding your head down, walking timidly or if your voice is soft and weak, the message you’ll be sending to everyone is: “I know I don’t really deserve to be here, but I thought I’d give it a shot.”

Remember how Barbra Streisand auditioned for “I Can Get it For You Wholesale”? She went into that theater like she already owned the place. No one had to wonder whether or not Barbra had confidence—it was evident how much self-assurance she had by how she moved, how she talked, and how she walked. She exuded self-confidence. And I have the feeling that even if Barbra hadn’t felt as confident as she acted like she was, she would have behaved exactly the same way. Why? Well, like all of those who are at the top of their field, Barbra understands that those around her are going to value her at the same level at which she values herself.

You really cannot expect other people to give you respect and to admire you if you don’t respect and admire yourself. If you question all your choices and berate yourself for every mistake you make, what message are you sending out to other people? Do you realize that you’re automatically causing them to make judgments about you? When you put limits on yourself and decide what you are or are not capable of, you will soon find that those around you start to agree with you. Instead of saying to you, “You can do it”, they’ll start to doubt that you actually can do what you say you want to do. They’ll begin to suspect that you know yourself better than they do. . .and that you are right in thinking that you have limited capabilities.

If you have demonstrated a pattern of failing or of not living up to other peoples’ expectations of you, you have an added challenge to contend with. It’s sometimes difficult enough to get people to believe in you and your endeavors when you’ve had a great deal of success in the past. But, when you’ve been someone who has consistently disappointed those who wanted to have faith in you, you’ll probably discover that getting to the point where people have confidence in you will take both time and patience.

One of the books that meant a lot to me when I was growing up was by a violinist named Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg. It was called On My Way. Nadja is a fiercely tenacious woman with a strong will and an indomitable spirit. When you hear her play in person, you sense that you are in the presence of an amazing musician. Her playing is electric. She is passionate about music, and her love for the violin shines through every note she plays. But there was a time when Nadja’s vibrant spirit and tenacity were not enough. Although she had the talent to accomplish remarkable things, she lacked the essential level of commitment. She was too busy focusing on the aspects of her life that were inessential. . .the distractions. . .the things that brought her short-term gratification. And, she had to pay the consequences of this behavior. Her teacher at the Juilliard School, the world-renowned Dorothy DeLay, informed Nadja that she need not come back for another lesson until she decided whether or not she really wanted to be a concert violinist. At the time, Nadja had been planning to enter The 1981 Walter W. Naumburg International Violin Competition. However, DeLay scoffed at the idea, telling her that she was certain she wouldn’t even be accepted to enter the competition.

Essentially, Nadja had two choices. She could either let her teacher’s words become a reality for her, or she could turn things around and go after what she wanted, no matter who told her it was impossible. Nadja chose to ignore her teacher. She abandoned the undisciplined habits she had been adopting and completely transformed her life. For a few months, she locked herself in a room and practiced for hours, only leaving to go to the kitchen for the two meals she let herself have each day. To simplify things, she chose to eat nothing but canned sausages and ice cream. By the time the date of the competition arrived, Nadja had brought her playing to a level of excellence that was truly phenomenal. She had also lost fifteen pounds. And, rather than simply being someone who participated in the Naumburg Competition, Nadja ended up winning the top prize! The impact this event had on her career was tremendous. It’s doubtful that the opportunities that have enabled her to become one of the world’s most renowned performers and recording artists today would have come her way had Nadja not won the prestigious competition.

But what if she had let Dorothy DeLay’s expectations of her became her own self-fulfilling prophecy? How would it have changed her life? Where would she be today? Would any of us even know who Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg is? We can’t answer any of these questions with certainty, but one thing I do know for certain is that Nadja’s story presents a marvelous example of a woman who took charge of her own life. She wasn’t about to let someone steer her ship for her. She grabbed hold of the helm and took on the role of captain of her ship.

What I want to know is. . .is there any reason that you shouldn’t do the same thing? The universe is like a fathomless, rough, beautiful, yet turbulent, ocean. And your life is a ship on this ocean. The question is this: are you going to steer your ship, or are you going to let someone else steer it for you? Don’t imagine for a moment that your ship will steer itself. If you refuse to take on the role of captain, another person will take on that part for you—or a group of people will. Perhaps, a succession of people will steer your ship—friends, relatives, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends—those who pass through your life for various lengths of time. Some of these people will probably support your dreams and goals, and others will make you feel like you’re incapable of doing much of anything. Even if you don’t let toxic individuals stay in your life for very long, if you aren’t at the helm of your ship, you’ll still be letting anyone and everyone who comes into your life have some influence on it, whether it’s a lasting impact or not.

When I was growing up, my father frequently made comments to me about my being worthless, unattractive, and inadequate. Although part of me knew that there were things about me that must make me valuable, I wasn’t steering my own ship. Rather, my father was at the helm. And, even after my parents separated and later divorced, I let other people take over my ship rather than grabbing hold of it myself. I chose not to take on the role of the captain—I chose to turn over the power that was rightfully mine to other people. I could tell you that I simply didn’t know I was supposed to do anything else, but I’m not sure that’s entirely true. Although I was conditioned to believe that I had a multitude of inadequacies, I think I let myself subscribe to toxic thought patterns even when I knew they were wrong. And in letting myself be nourished on toxic thoughts, I was automatically depriving myself of having control over my life. A person who thinks his/her capabilities are limited or that he/she is essentially without value will never imagine that he/she will be able to steer his/her own ship. If they don’t rely on other people to steer it, then they’ll turn to things such as alcohol, drugs, or food to help them cope with what they perceive to be an overwhelming responsibility. On a short-term basis, these vices can numb us. They can distract us and/or make us forget that we have problems in our lives that we need to deal with. But, what happens when we stop drinking or when the drugs wear off? What do things look like when we’ve just finished the latest eating binge? Did that gallon of butter pecan ice cream you polished off make you feel any stronger? Do you feel better physically? Are you happier? Or, do you feel that once again you’ve tried to find a way to escape from the reality of you life? If so, is that truly the way you want to live?

There have been plenty of alcoholics who had big dreams, and there have been drug addicts who have died of overdoses with most of their potential still inside them. Even though we may never know what lifetime goals people such as musician Kurt Cobain and actors Heath Ledger and River Phoenix had, it’s important that we understand that an early death or a life of destitution and poor health is something that can happen to anyone depending on the choices that he or she makes on a daily basis. Jim Belushi didn’t die because of the choices that other people made for him. His death was caused by an overdose of drugs that he made the choices to take. Sure, other people were probably at the helm of Belushi’s ship at one time or another, but whether he was captain of his ship or not, he ended up being a victim of his own unwise decisions.

The difference between those who end up living unfufilled lives or who succeed in being just another statistic and those who experience incredible succeess has much less to do with talent, education, experience, or ability than you might think. Yes, these things can help. However, what’s more important than anything else is the thoughts that you hold in your mind on a daily basis. It’s the image you have of yourself that will determine how you live your life. The classic film actor, Cary Grant, was once asked how he managed to retain his slim and sophisticated figure. He replied that he had always envisioned himself as slender. He once said: “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until I finally became that person. Or he became me.”

Even if you don’t feel you have the power to steer your own ship, take on the role of captain starting today. See yourself as having the ability to move your ship in the right direction, even if those around you tell you you can’t do it. After all, it’s not important what others think of you and your capabilities—what ultimately determines whether or not you will succeed is the image you hold in your own mind of yourself.

So, toss your negative thoughts into the ocean, and start steering your ship towards your dreams, rather than away from them.

Live with passion, courage, and enthusiasm. . .and make each moment matter!

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

Why not join my one-of-a-kind Success Diva mailing list? It’s interesting, informative, inspiring. . .and lots of fun! Plus, it’s free!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/successdiva/

If you would like my input on a specific situation, please write me at successdiva7@yahoo.com I will respond to your message at my earliest convenience.

This page and all written material at the Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

1 Comment

Reinventing yourself!

August 9, 2009 at 3:10 pm (The Success Diva Speaks)
Tags: actress, Africa, American author, Anna Ginnetti-Ricci, Anthony Robbins, author, Brian Tracy, comedians, comic, communication, courage, criticis, Denis Waitley, despair, detractors, Dr. Martin Seligman, dreams, Emerald City, films, happiness, helplessness, Henry Fielding, hopelessness, Jim Carrey, learned helplessness, Les Brown, Madonna, motivational books, musician, New York Times, Oprah, positive thinking, potential, psychologist, reinvent, reinventing, Rodney Dangerfield, self-esteem, self-motivation, setbacks, singer, songwriter, Stephen Covey, success, Terry McMillan, The Success Diva, Tom Jones, toxic people, toxic thoughts, transformation, transforming, violinist, Waiting to Exhale, Wayne Dyer, wisdom, yellow brick road, Zig Ziglar

believe43 (butterfly) There is only one way to truly live. . .and that is on the edge. Although I believe that we must use wisdom in the choices we make, if we don’t learn to take risks, we’ll never be able to use our full potential. You know, I lived my life with the dream that I would one day be a performing classical violinist. However, when that dream came to an end I was faced with two choices: either I could give up on life entirely or I could decide to reinvent myself. A lot of people come from the place where they think that they have to somehow make a career or a relationship work out that seems to be dead-end. They don’t understand that only in letting go of that which is no longer beneficial can they bring the things into their lives that will give them fulfillment. It would be like keeping your closet full of clothes that don’t fit anymore or shoes that are too worn-out to continue wearing. Would you actually do that? I know I wouldn’t.

And yet, many of us are doing something similar to this with our lives. We make the mistake of trying to change ourselves while keeping things and people in our lives that are not part of our long-term vision. Reinventing yourself is about more than simply altering you. You also have to be willing to unclutter that closet! You must pull the weeds out of the garden to enjoy the flowers.

In addition to toxic thoughts, there are also toxic people, and they can be every bit as deadly to keep in your life as toxic thoughts are to keep in your mind. At the heart of most motivational thinking and writing is the basic concept that your thoughts can transform your world. Now I’ve been told by some people that so-called “positive thinking” does nothing for them. Well, if your thoughts are not followed up by relevant actions, you aren’t going to notice a transformation taking place. And that’s what you need sometimes, isn’t it? A transformation in your life.

I have had to transform both myself and how I see the world countless times, and I still struggle with breaking free from toxic thinking. Like anything that is nourished by practice, toxic thinking can easily become a habit. Pretty soon, you may notice that it’s not even something you actually. . .well. . .think about. You simply lapse into thoughts of unworthiness, hopelessness, helplessness, or despair. But, even if you have been guilty of this up to this very moment, you don’t have to continue down that beaten road that isn’t ever going to take you anywhere. Remember how I keep talking about the yellow brick road that will lead you to the Emerald City of your dreams?

When I think of someone who has constantly reinvented herself from one decade to the next, I cannot help but think of the singer and actress, Madonna. Whether you’re a fan of her music or not, I think it’s almost impossible not to admire her determination to continue to do whatever is takes to continue being successful. Even when things haven’t worked out the way she undoubtedly intended them to, she hasn’t let it get her down. My songwriter friend, the amazingly talented Anna Ginetti-Ricci, pointed out what an icon of courage and strength Madonna has always represented to her. And I found myself agreeing with Anna that Madonna truly is a woman who has been uncommonly resilient and resourceful.

Many of Madonna’s films, for example, have been box-office bombs. Yet, she hasn’t stopped trying to pursue a career in movies. She has been crucified by her critics, mercilessly attacked in the press, and scrutinized in a way that would have surely torn apart the self-esteem of a lesser woman. But she’s understood that only in bouncing back from every temporary defeat will she have the kind of life and career she desires.

The American author, Terry McMillan, probably best known for her New York Times bestseller, the novel, Waiting to Exhale, once said, “There is a price for popularity. Critics look for your weaknesses, your flaws, anything that makes the work seem like a fluke and not seem worthy of all the attention is getting.” And Henry Fielding, the celebrated English author of such classics as the novel, Tom Jones, once wrote, “Now, in reality, the world has paid too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of greater profundity than they really are. ” And there’s no doubt that both Terry McMillan and Henry Fielding are right. If you don’t have some people around telling you that your dreams are impossibilities, your dreams probably aren’t big enough. You know, a lot of people might not have thought of looking at it this way. However, it really does take every bit as much energy and effort to create big dreams as little dreams. It’s sort of like nourishing yourself on positive emotions rather than negative, destructive emotions. Feelings of anger, frustration, hate, and bitterness wear you down, both from a physical and a psychological standpoint.

Haven’t you ever noticed how tired you feel after you have a fight with someone? For instance, if you have a quarrel with a friend or with your spouse in the morning, haven’t you perceived that the rest of the day seems to automatically go in the wrong direction? It’s as if the entire day has been jinxed, simply because of the spat. And most of the time, nothing positive has been accomplished from the argument. Instead, you and your friends or partner most likely feel unloved, unappreciated, and misunderstood. One of my role models, the marvelous motivational speaker and author, Stephen Covey, speaks of the importance of seeking to understand the people around us. In fact, his philosophy is summed up in this sentence, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Yet how many of us really live that way?

In treating life as the opportunity it is, I feel that what we must do is transform the way we relate to the people in our lives. In fact, improving and changing the way we communicate with others is essential to redefining who we are. We can’t reinvent ourselves if we hold onto old patterns of behavior. I grew up with a father who frequently lost his temper, and, when he did, he would alienate everyone around him. He had difficulty with authority and was compelled to own and run his own businesses because the idea of working for anyone else filled him with resentment.

Because I saw the way in which my father’s attitude towards life and other people affected his relationships, I have understood how important it is to treat others with respect and dignity. It can be devastating when we allow our destructive emotions to take over our behavior. When we react to situations and other people’s actions and words with anger or hate, all we are doing is allowing ourselves to be overpowered by our emotions. And it’s our thoughts that will transform our world—not our emotions.

It’s important to cultivate a generous and compassionate heart. When we let our heart rule our head, though, we can easily get into a lot of stressful predicaments. We must think before we speak and before we act. . .otherwise we will inevitably succumb to feelings that will negatively influence both ourselves and others. An encouraging thing to keep in mind is that the more often we take control over our thoughts, words, and behavior, the easier it will become to continue doing so.

In recent times I have found myself desperately holding on to my inner serenity, mostly because I have been too caught up in letting other people’s actions influence my own opinion of myself. However, when I look towards those who have persisted in spite of relentless critcism that has been unfair and unjust, I know that I, too, can choose not to listen to the critics. I remember a few months ago when Oprah Winfrey was lambasted in the press because a situation involving child molestation arose in the girls’ school she founded in Africa. Even though Oprah was in no way personally responsible for this set of circumstances taking place, she was vastly criticized by her detractors, who did their best to cast aspersions on her character. Rather than putting the blame where it belonged, some wanted to take away from all the wonderful, benevolent things Oprah has done. They chose to try to make her feel guilty.

While I cannot know for sure how deeply Oprah was affected by all this criticism, I do know that she’s a resilient lady. She would not allow anyone to permanently diminish her feelings of self-worth. And I think it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not how many times we let ourselves be affected by the things that people say about us or the way in which they behave towards us. The most significant question is: do we let other peoples’ opinions of us and/or actions affect us permanently?

For example, if, like me, you grew up with a father who made you feel inadequate because you were a girl, do you continue to remind yourself of the things he told you and the way those words made you feel? Or do you choose to let the feelings of rejection you experienced from him strengthen you? There really are just two ways to respond to any negative situation, you know—you can either let it weaken you or you can let it make you stronger. Courage is not something that you are born with. It’s something that you learn to acquire. It may not be able to be purchased, but as you continue to reinvent yourself, you’ll start to see that courage really can be learned.

Courage is like “learned helplessness”, a term that the American psychologist and writer, Martin Seligman, coined. When you were born, you were not made to remain helpless as you grew. You did not come into the world with an inability to bounce back from the hurdles life put in your path. Any feelings of helplessness that you have now or have had in the past are a by-product of the negative experiences that you have lived through. This is why the only way to start living a life that will be in alignment with your deepest desires is for you to replace the learned helplessness with courage and resilience. If you tend to focus on the negative side of life, it will be very difficult for you to turn around and start walking in the opposite direction. However, even if you can’t see it, if you’re holding onto negative thoughts and nourishing yourself with destructive feelings, there’s a big sign that says DEAD END at the end of the street you’re walking down. And, sooner or later, you’re going to reach that dead end. Then, what will you do?

The time to reinvent yourself is not next year, next week, or tomorrow. Why would you want to wait any longer to start walking down that yellow brick road that will lead you to happiness, success, and ultimate fulfillment? I know that the actor, Jim Carrey, didn’t let roadblocks get in his way. He came from a family where money was so scarce that his family barely had enough to eat. Both of Jim’s parents battled deep depression, and, starting at a young age, Jim was faced with the responsibility of trying to cheer them up. Of course, he had it in his favor that he was naturally funny. In fact, he was a born mimic.

Although Jim was not a popular kid in school, he managed to become well-liked because of his amusing antics. At age fourteen, he was given the chance to perform in a well-respected club in his hometown of Toronto. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a success. But Jim had drive and determination, and he committed himself to not letting one failure steal his dreams. He perfected his comedy routine and, awhile later, returned to the same club, where he made a magnificent splash. His talent as a comedian was noticed by the American actor and comedian, Rodney Dangerfield. This connection is what landed Jim on the first step that would take him up the spiraling staircase of success.

Your diva can tell you that she has experienced more setbacks than she would care to claim. However, my perseverance in not letting any of those setbacks be permanent is why I’m where I am today. I could never share my words of encouragement with all of you if I hadn’t first shared them with myself. I am very grateful to such inspirational people as Denis Waitley, Brian Tracy, Stephen Covey, Les Brown, Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins, and Zig Ziglar for writing books and recording tape and CD programs that have encouraged me, but on a day-to-day basis I have to be my own coach. This is why I emphasize the importance of reinventing yourself.

If you’ve had crossroads and setbacks in your life that you haven’t yet recovered from, you need to start seeing a brand-new you every time you look in the mirror. It doesn’t matter whether you made a big mistake yesterday or last week. . .you can start anew at this very moment. Have you ever noticed how some flowers blossom overnight? Our next-door neighbors gave us a pot of spectacular trumpet flowers. The thing about it is, trumpet flowers only bloom for a few hours, and, when they do bloom, their blossoms unfold all at once. The transformation takes place overnight. Now it’s not going to be nearly as easy for you to transform yourself and/or certain aspects of your life. But it doesn’t have to take a minute for you to start the process of transformation. So, what are you waiting for?

Until soon,

Alexis

Why not subscribe to my mailing list? It’s fun, interesting, and doesn’t cost a cent!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/successdiva

If you would like my input on a specific situation, please write me at successdiva7@yahoo.com I will answer all mail I receive at this account at my earliest convenience.

This page and all written material at The Success Diva Pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

4 Comments

The magic is within you!

July 29, 2009 at 9:06 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: actor, art, artists, athlete, basketball, Bible, Bill Cosby, birthday, boyfriend, Capture Your Vision, children, choices, Christmas, comedian, courage, diva, dream, dream-stealer, dream-stealers, dreams, enthusiasm, failure, faith, film, Frida Kahlo, future, gifts, girlfriend, gold medal, gratitude, happiness, joy, life, loneliness, luck, magic, Michael Jordan, Olympics, opportunities, parent, past, present, presents, rainbow, self-worth, silver medal, spouse, success, toxic people, triumph, vision, Zig Ziglar

magic5 You know, I think too many of us fall into the trap of thinking that something wonderful must happen before we really can expect to feel inspired. In other words, we wait for the magic to happen to us. . .rather than making the magic happen. This diva has been guilty herself of waiting for an opportunity to come her way, instead of going forth and seeking it. And yet, most of us have heard the quotation from the Bible, “Seek and ye shall find.” Indeed, this principle is at the root of most motivational programs and books. So, why do we sit waiting for good things to come our way? Could it be that it’s easier to accept the idea that the opportunities and “lucky breaks” didn’t find us as opposed to admitting that we tried and failed? Michael Jordan, the world-renowned basketball player and promoter of the philosophy that it’s more important to try than to succeed, has some interesting thoughts on failure. During the height of Jordan’s career, he was asked by a school publishing outfit whether or not it would be all right to post pictures of him in classrooms to inspire thousands of school children to pursue their dreams as he had pursued his. Jordan agreed, but only if his message could be about failure, rather than success. “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life,” he declared, “and that is why I succeed.”

Now, if someone like Michael Jordan is able to acknowledge failure as a valuable and essential part of the success process, why are we so afraid to fail?? Well, I think it’s because society tends to regard failure as something that none of us should admit to. We’re supposed to disguise our failures at all costs. And this type of misguided programming is why we are so afraid to really take the risks that are necessary to turn the life we’re living right now into the life of our richest dreams and deepest desires. For example, there are men and women who marry whoever comes along because it’s easier than holding out for that man or woman who would make their lives truly complete. After all, a bird in the hand is better than ten in the tree, such people tell themselves. And, indeed, it is important not to throw away a relationship that is important to us simply to pursue a whimsical fantasy. However, I think that once we begin to “settle” for second best, we will never stand a chance of getting first best. Do you really think that any athlete goes to the Olympics saying, “I want to win a silver medal”? No, of course they don’t. Because they know that only in striving for that gold medal are they going to be able to give their all to the competition. Look, it isn’t always about the results of your efforts. It’s about how hard you try. There are many days in which this diva wonders how she’ll ever be able to write a blog post that is as inspired as the one she wrote a day or two before. But, you know what? When you write from the heart as I do, it isn’t as important whether or not I express my thoughts as eloquently as I would like to as it is whether or not I reach you with my words. When I read back over some of my old posts, there are all sorts of ways in which I feel they could be improved. However, at the time I wrote them, I was making my very best effort.

Well, life is a lot like that, you see. Sure, you may have made some unwise choices yesterday or last week, but, at the time, you probably weren’t aware of the fact that you were using poor judgment. And, in order to keep having the kind of faith you need to have in yourself, it’s crucial that you not dwell on all the errors you’ve made. How can you possibly find magic in your life if all you’re focusing on is your mistakes? You must let go of the gray clouds of the past and embrace the rainbow of the present. Otherwise, you’re like someone who only notices the weather when there’s a thunderstorm. Magic can be found in things that are seemingly insignificant, too. For example, there can be magic in the smile of a child or in the song of a bird. You don’t have to wait for a major event to take place to feel grateful and joyful about life. In fact, the more things you find to feel joyful about, the more likely it is that wonderful things will begin to take place in your life. Haven’t you ever noticed that on days when you seem to see the world through rose-colored glasses people seem to treat you more thoughtfully and you seem to have a more established sense of self-worth? Do you think this is merely a coincidence? Or, could it be that something about the positive energy you are feeling is felt by those whom you come into contact with?

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with the life and work of the remarkable artist, Frida Kahlo, but, when I saw the 2002 film focusing on her life, it struck me that she would never have been the painter she became if it hadn’t been for the suffering she endured and the obstacles she had to overcome. The reason she came to embrace life so wholeheartedly was because she knew what it was like to live for months bed-ridden and in excruciating pain. She understood that if you respond to the trials that come into your life with courage and strength, you can actually become a more powerful individual because of that which you have overcome. When I look at Frida Kahlo’s art, her use of color is one of the first things that attracts me. It is incredible that a woman who could so easily have chosen to live her life in shades of black and white responded to the agony of living with such exuberance and enthusiasm. Truly, Frida Kahlo is a testimony to the triumph and vibrancy of the human spirit. So many of us tend to get caught up in petty annoyances and concerns. We make mountains out of molehills, to use a trite expression that is nevertheless relevant to this diva’s train of thought. We concern ourselves with whether or not our favorite film is out on video yet or whether one of our best friends is giving us enough attention. Yet, if we really stop to think about it, how important are these things? What if you found out tomorrow that you only had six months to live? Would it change the way you saw your life? Which of the things that are annoying you now would seem important? I don’t know about you, but very few of the issues I worry about on a daily basis would seem essential if I knew my life would be ending in a matter of months. It wouldn’t matter to me whether or not everyone approved of everything I did because I would be devoted to being completely true to myself. To borrow a famous quote from comedian and actor Bill Cosby,” I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” The question I would like to pose to you is this: should the way you’re living right now be so different than the way you would live if you knew you only had a certain amount of time left on this earth? And, if you answer is “yes,” then why should it be so different? None of us know how many more days we’ll actually be alive. This being said, shouldn’t we start finding the magic in our lives right now? Shouldn’t we stop letting ourselves be sidetracked by other peoples’ opinions of us? Shouldn’t we cease to let the criticism and discouragement of those around us cloud our personal vision?

I’ve had a lot of you tell me how much my last post, “Capture Your Vision” meant to you. Well, one of the clues to capturing your vision is to notice the things in your life that you have to be grateful for. In a way, gratitude is directly related to magic. How? Okay, think about when you were a child and Christmas morning came around. When you went downstairs and saw presents under the tree, didn’t you feel as if you were experiencing a moment of magic? And, when you opened your presents, even if you didn’t get the gifts you wanted, didn’t you feel grateful? Now perhaps some of you will tell me that you didn’t feel a large amount of gratitude because you rarely were given what you had asked for. But, in all likelihood, you can still relate to the feelings of intermingled gratitude and magic that you felt when Christmas morning arrived. And, if your family didn’t celebrate Christmas, think of another occasion that seemed magical to you when you were growing up. Perhaps, your birthday seemed like a magical time when you were a child because it was a day that was all about you. Well, the life you’re living right now is about you, too. The only difference is, now that you’re an adult, you fully understand that you’re not on this planet alone. So, you realize that even if you’re the focus of your life, the other people in it are very important, too. In fact, if you’ve been applying some of your diva’s philosophy to your day-to-day existence, you may have even come to see that you are dependent upon the special people in your life to make your dreams come true. The well-known motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar, believes that only when you help enough other people make their dreams a reality do you experience the life that you’ve always dreamed of. Now, when I was younger, I might not have fully understood Zig’s belief system. However, the more time that passes, the more aware I become of the fact that life really is more like a team sport than most of us realize. It may seem like you’re on the path to success for awhile when you focus exclusively on you, but, sooner or later, the road you’re walking down will turn into a dead end. For one thing, there’s only so much magic you’re going to find in your life when your primary focus is yourself. At some point, your feelings of self-confidence are going to be eclipsed by a sense of extreme loneliness. Although you may be experiencing plenty of success, the fact that you have nobody to share it with will eventually oppress your spirit. This is why you must both find the magic in your life and help others find the magic in their lives. Of course, you’ll never be able to instill a sense of gratitude in toxic people because they are never truly happy. Rather, they not only will prevent themselves from experiencing happiness but also they will do their best to steal your joy from you. In the most fundamental sense, toxic people are what I call “dream-stealers,” and, if you let them stay in your life, they’ll snatch your dreams from you. However, once you de-clutter your world and make sure that everyone whom you’re spending time with supports and encourages you and shares your vision, then you’ll be able to find those magical moments in your life that you might overlook otherwise.

One thing that is exceedingly difficult to cope with is when someone very close to you refuses to let you spread your wings and fly. I cannot begin to count the number of people who have crossed my path who have told me how impossible it seems to them to make their dreams come true when their spouse, parent, or boyfriend/girlfriend continues to challenge and criticize their opinions and/or attempts to sabotage their goals. All I can advise is that you determine whether having this dream-stealer in your life is more important than making your dreams a reality. I know that walking away from someone who has had a pivotal role in your existence can seem almost impossible, but there are times when you’re not going to have another choice. Although I would never advise you to make a decision that you would always regret, the people who remain in your life must respect your determination to pursue your dreams with passion and a sense of purpose. There’s no way that you’ll ever be able to discover the magic if your world is clouded by fog. You must be able to see the beauty of the world through eyes that are full of wonder and joy. . .not blinded by the bitterness and cynicism that dream-stealers nourish themselves with. So, loose yourself and your life from the limitations that you and others have placed upon it, and start seeing every day as a fresh opportunity. . .as a chance to make magic happen in your world.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

If you haven’t already done so, please do join Success Diva’s mailing list. This is an annoucement list only. So, there is no need to worry about group participation:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/successdiva/

Should you want the Success Diva’s input on a specific situation, write me at successdiva7@yahoo.com I will respond to all e-mails I receive at this account as soon as I possibly can. Alternatively, you can sent me a personal message at Facebook. You will find me there under the name Alexis Wingate.

This page and all written material at The Success Diva Pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

Leave a Comment

You are a diamond!

July 24, 2009 at 4:05 pm (The Success Diva Speaks)
Tags: 1930s films, Academy Award, actresses, adoption, Angelina Jolie, Bette Davis, children, commitment, detractors, diamond, discouragement, Emily Bronte, enthusiasm, film, filmmaker, Geraldine Fitzgerald, goals, Jessica Lange, jewelry, naysayers, Oscar, passion, potential, purpose, success, toxic people, Wuthering Heights

diamond3 I’ve continued to emphasis that you should be yourself—that is, that being comfortable in your own skin is essential to achieving ultimate fulfillment and success. I still stand by this statement, but a new concept has come to me during the past week or so that I want to share with you. To be at peace with who you are doesn’t mean that you can’t re-invent yourself. That is, just because you don’t want to be someone other than you, it doesn’t mean that you can’t work at becoming a completely new and better you. When a diamond is taken out of a mine, does it look anything like the diamonds you see under a glass case at the jewelry store? Of course, it doesn’t. Actually, it looks like a plain, unattractive rock. Well, what if no one had ever decided to polish up one of those rocks? What would have happened? Am I making a point? Every one of us is like that diamond before it gets polished up and put into a necklace, ring, or set of earrings. Usually, we’re fortunate if even half of the polishing has been done by the time we reach middle age. However, if we don’t at least make up our minds to strive towards being that brilliant, faceted diamond, we’re never going to tap into our true potential. Now, are you ready to get rid of those rough edges and begin the process towards becoming a glistening gemstone? I know I am. I will caution you, however. There are going to be a lot of people who will fight you on your way towards turning yourself into a faceted jewel. They’ll try to tell you that, no matter what you do, you’re always going to be a jagged, old rock. They may even discourage you with stories of their own about changes they tried to make that didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to. . .or the way they hoped they would. Listen, let me tell you something that you need to never forget: change first takes place in the mind. In other words, you need to really ascertain whether or not these people who try to hold you back by offering depressing tales of discouragement and disappointment ever wanted to make changes in their lives in the first place. Isn’t it even remotely possible that they were blocked by fear? Might they not have been afraid of failure or afraid of accepting responsibility for certain aspects of their lives. . .or even (now don’t be too shocked!) afraid of success?? “Afraid of success,” you exclaim. “Now you’ve gone too far, Success Diva! Who in their right mind would be afraid of success?” I know the concept of being fearful of success may sound ludicrous, but it’s actually very real. For one thing, once you start accomplishing some of your goals, certain things about your life are going to change. Just to give one example, friends may start to distance themselves from you. In fact, your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend may start to feel threatened. Moreover, your family could express resentment, masked as concern for your well-being and/or your future. “We just don’t know if you’ll be able to handle all these new responsibilities,” they may tell you. “You’ve always been sensitive, you know, and it could be too much for you.” How do you handle such well-meaning advice? Well, thank whoever it is who has given it to you with a smile, and then forget you ever heard it. Remember what I told you about Renoir and how the master teacher asked if he was merely “dabbling in paints” early on in his career? That isn’t the only instance in which a person who went on to achieve magnificent things was discouraged by someone whose advice should have been able to be relied upon. I cannot help but think of actress Jessica Lange, who was told that she would never be pretty enough to be a successful Hollywood leading lady. And look at Bette Davis, who had to fight studios tooth and nail to get good roles. Her fellow actress, Geraldine Fitzgerald, who won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role in the 1930s film adaptation of Emily Bronte’s _Wuthering Heights_ didn’t have Bette’s gumption. She wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to get a big break. I believe I remember Bette saying that she was too ladylike and passive to be the kind of gusty dame that would shake things up to get a part she could really sink her teeth into. Well, what are you going to be? Passive or passionate? Are you going to pursue your goals halfheartedly, or are you going to get fired up about the things you want to achieve in your life?? Which is it going to be?

I can tell you one thing, and even though it may sound like I am exaggerating, I’m not. If you’re waiting for others to crowd around you offering their support and encouragement, you may never get started on your journey of success and self-fulfillment. Although I’ve been fortunate enough to have some marvelous people on my Success Diva team, not everyone is so blessed. Depending on what your goals are and who you’ll be fighting to make them a reality, you must be prepared for detractors and naysayers. There are going to be more people fighting you in the enemy camp than there will ever be on your side. But you know what your aim is—to turn your rough edges into brilliantly polished facets, so that you’ll be a radiant diamond instead of a rough rock. If you ever lose sight of your aim, you will never accomplish your goals. Now I’m not talking about a day every now and then in which you experience moments or even hours of discouragement. No, I’m talking about weeks or months when you allow yourself to take your eyes off your goals and instead let yourself be distracted by people and/or circumstances that are destructive to your ultimate purpose. “My purpose?” you echo. “I never thought about having a purpose. Are you talking about something religious?” Indeed, I’m not talking about anything the least bit religious. To have a purpose in your life is no different than a filmmaker having a purpose in a film he creates. It’s also no different than Angelina Jolie having a purpose in all the philanthropic work she does. Do you think that she simply adopted the children she’s added to her family on a whim?? Of course, she didn’t. You know better than that. It wouldn’t even make sense. Had she done that, it would have been no different than her purchasing a new car or a designer piece of jewelry. No, Angelina Jolie’s purpose in adopting each child was to give that child a life that he/she wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. She is providing both the necessities for each child, in addition to privileges that only a star of her magnitude could offer. Although she doesn’t spoil her children by giving them things they don’t need and/or wouldn’t appreciate, she does give them plenty of love and affection. However, if she hadn’t had a purpose behind all her efforts, she would not be accomplishing all that she is. We can shrug or sigh all we want when words like “purpose” and “goals” are mentioned, but, whether we like it or not, the life of our dreams cannot be created without both goals and a clearly defined purpose. Do you know what it is that you truly want out of life? If you’ve already got a wonderful partner and/or a lovely family, what else would you need in your life to be completely content? Think about it. And, if you don’t yet have a partner or a family, would you need to have one or both to be fulfilled? These are all things you need to decide for yourself. Your diva can only share her input and ideas with you—it isn’t her responsibility to write down your dreams for you.

Last year, I went through a period of time in which I wrote down 20 or 25 lifetime goals. . .or maybe it was 50 lifetime goals. The journal I wrote these things down in is lost amid a stack of other books somewhere in my bedroom, but I do know that I took the time to at least figure out what most of my goals were. There’s a good chance that a few of these goals will now be different, although I would imagine that most of them are still the same. I know that one of my goals was inspiring and encouraging others, and I also know that I started my first success blog sometime last fall. So, why didn’t I keep it up? Well, I tend to think that there’s a “right” time for everything. I’m not saying that there’s ever a “right” time for some things, such as the crises that all of us experience at one time or another. But I do think that we have to be at a certain point in our lives before we can commit ourselves to specific endeavors. I wasn’t ready to commit myself to being a diva of success last September. The desire was there, but I think the genuine passion and enthusiasm I needed to make things really happen was missing. Have you ever heard of what’s called “movers and shakers”? Do you know what a “mover and shaker” is? No, it’s not someone who dances really well *wink*. Rather, it’s somebody who decides to take an active role in life, rather than a passive role. It’s somebody who makes the choice not to merely sit on the sidelines and let life happen to him/her, but rather, who makes up his/her mind to make life happen. Sure, there are tons of things that we cannot control about the world. But our life is ours, and we do have power over ourselves and over the choices that we make. From the moment we were born, we were always a diamond in the rough. It’s up to us, though, how long we remain that rough diamond. If we decide that we’re tired of having to look in the mirror at a rugged rock, then we will start making definitive changes immediately. In fact, we’ll probably even get to the point where we start to realize which people and/or influences are beneficial to us without having to spend much time considering it. One of my good friends was just telling me about how inclined she is to justify behavior on the part of others that is inconsiderate or unkind. I couldn’t help but relate to her as I think that anyone who has a generous and forgiving heart finds it easy to make excuses for other people. However, if you don’t make the decision to stop justifying other peoples’ mistreatment of you, you aren’t ever going to be happy or fulfilled. Rather, you’ll end up feeling betrayed, rejected, and lonely. You’ll wonder if there is anyone around whom you can turn to and/or anyone whom you can trust. Indeed, in the long run, your forgiving spirit will make you a bit cynical about life. Because you allowed people to remain in your world who continued hurting you, you’ll start putting barriers up whether you intend to or not. And then, when someone comes along who is worthy of your friendship and/or your love, you may not be open to receiving their affection and acceptance. I have spoken more than once about guarding your heart. What I may not have made clear is that it, in addition to it being an essential part of being happy, it is also an essential part of being successful. If you are experiencing emotional pain and turmoil because you are letting yourself be mistreated, you are not going to be able to pursue your own desires with any genuine enthusiasm. Why? Well, what I’ve noticed is that cruel, unkind, and/or critical people steal your joy from you. When they get finished turning your heart inside out and making you feel like most of your opinions and/or ideas are without value or meaning, you aren’t going to even believe that you have it in you to be a success. You’ll probably decide that you simply must content yourself with being a diamond in the rough for the rest of your life. Or, even better, you’ll look upon yourself as an ugly, old rock, rather than a rock that would even be capable of being transformed into a jewel. I know you may not think you can do it, but you simply must get rid of every person in your life who is preventing you from being happy and from believing in yourself. The only people who cannot be entirely removed from your existence are close family members, such as children, siblings, and parents. But even with them, you can create a psychological barrier. What does this mean? Well, while listening to them tell you what you can or can’t do, rather than really hearing what they’re saying, you will be choosing to focus on the faith you have in yourself instead. Although it often seems like someone can make us feel worthless, the truth is, we have to give them permission to diminish our sense of self-worth. So, next time you hear a person tell you, “You know you’ll never be able to do that,” or “Well, you haven’t done it yet. What makes you think you’ll ever be able to?”. Negate their words by telling yourself, “I know I can do anything that I commit myself to because I have unlimited potential.” Even if you feel silly telling yourself something like this at first, after awhile you will automatically begin thinking in these terms. And, once you do, you are on your way to becoming that sparkling diamond that you know you can be.

So, make each moment of today count, and pursue your dreams passionately, not passively!

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

If you haven’t yet done so, why not make now the day when you join Success Diva’s mailing list. It’s free and loads of fun!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/successdiva/

If you want my input on a specific situation in your life, write me at this account, and I will reply at my earliest convenience.

successdiva7@yahoo.com

All written material on this page and at The Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

Leave a Comment

when you have to close your heart. . .

July 21, 2009 at 6:50 am (The Success Diva Speaks)
Tags: acceptance, American authors, American literature, Anna Karenina, betrayal, blame, castle, cheese, church, Count Vronsky, Countess Olenska, deceit, Edith Wharton, Eleanor Roosevelt, films, forgiveness, guilt, heart, Leo Tolstoy, literature, love, May Welland, movies, Newland Archer, novels, predator, predator of the heart, Russian literature, sanctuary, self-acceptance, self-love, self-worth, The Age of Innocence, toxic people

heart23 I have always been a compassionate person, but, as I have gotten older, I have been even more inclined to demonstrate caring and love towards those around me. Perhaps, my mother’s battle with advanced stage cancer over two years ago has had something to do with my desire to truly be a loyal and supportive friend to the people in my life. When something of that nature comes about, you are reminded of the brevity of life. . .and you also realize how important it is to make sure that the people whom you love know that you love them. Saying the words “I love you” becomes twice as important—hugging people and making sure that you never make them feel as if you have forgotten them seems essential. What is difficult, however, is knowing when the time comes that you must not let your compassion for others prevent you from making the choices that are best for you.

As you know, my blog posts are loaded with examples from my own life experiences. Sometimes, I feel as if I’m putting into words a documentary of the Success Diva’s life. It isn’t always easy to open up my heart to those who are reading these posts, particularly since there are so many of you whom I do not know and probably never will know. Yet it is my choice to come from a very personal place, even if that place is full of pain, heartache, and unhappiness. Remember what I said in my last post about the heart being like your inner sanctuary? Well, that’s what it’s like. Pretend that you have a little church or cottage within yourself and that there are gates around this place. Whom you open the gates to is your decision and no one can force you to open those gates if you choose not to. But when someone has managed to persuade you to open your heart to them, and then they end up mistreating you or betraying you, what do you do? Well, you close those gates in their face, of course, and never look back. However, that is easier to suggest than it actually is to do. The person whom I just discovered has betrayed me has tried to offer an explanation for his conduct now. He has told me that he didn’t mean the mean and cruel things that he said about me behind my back. Well, being the compassionate diva that I am, it would not be impossible for me to keep him in my life as a friend. When we think of certain books we have read or movies we have seen, we can probably recall cases in which someone forgave and accepted the person who betrayed them. One book that comes to my mind without having to give it an abundance of thought is Russian author Leo Tolstoy’s classic novel, Anna Karenina. In this story, Anna, the title character, is unfaithful to her husband. She has a passionate affair with the dashing Count Vronsky. Her affair soon ostracizes her from society, and her husband becomes aware of her disloyalty. However, he chooses to forgive her and even offers her a divorce so that she can marry her lover. Unfortunately, Anna makes a series of unwise decisions, ultimately resulting in her eventual suicide. This book has been immortalized a few times in films, and, even if you haven’t read the book or seen the film, you may well have heard references to it in other books or movies. Yet another example of betrayal is in the consummate novel by the American author, Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence. In this story, a man, Newland Archer, marries an innocent young lady from a good background, only to be drawn into a beguiling infatuation with the exotic Countess Olenska, who lives on the fringes of society because of scandalous behavior. Archer’s wife, May Welland, knows that her husband’s affections reside elsewhere, and, yet, throughout a marriage that lasts several decades, she never once indicates that she suspects the truth. Finally, towards the end of the book, after his wife’s death, Newland finds out that what he thought was a secret that only he and Countess Olenska shared was known by his wife from the very beginning.

So, if characters in books and movies can not only forgive such instances of betrayal but also keep the person who betrayed them in in their lives, how can we know when we should refuse to accept any excuses or explanations?? Well, this is a difficult point to address as each situation is obviously different. However, if we are talking about someone whom we are in a committed relationship with who continues to be unfaithful to us, I would have to say that choosing to end that relationship is the decision that is in your best interest. But, if we’re speaking of instances of betrayal that are. . .well, less significant, the line between forgiveness and actual acceptance can become a wee bit hazy. For me, betrayal is unacceptable in all its forms. I truly do expect loyalty from those whom I let into my life. Whether or not you do is exclusively your choice. At the same time, never think that you have to have someone in your life. I don’t care how dependent you think you are on someone—or how dependent they make you feel you are on them. Should a person whom you have trusted and cared about betray you in any way, you are always perfectly justified in cutting that person out of your life. If we look at our circle of friends as a large round of cheese, any treachery on the part of one of our friends would be like a portion of that cheese that became corroded with mold. Would you let that portion of cheese stay where it is. . .or would you cut it off? I know you wouldn’t eat the moldy cheese. Well, when you keep a traitor in your life, you are essentially serving slices of mildewed cheese to yourself on a cracker or a piece of bread. How does that make you feel? It sounds rather disgusting, doesn’t it? You probably feel like saying, “Yuck. I would never eat cheese with mildew all over it. . .and I don’t see how continuing to keep someone in my life who has betrayed me is like eating rotten cheese.” Oh, but it is like that. Just as your body is precious and requires certain types of food to nourish it, your heart and soul also require certain things to remain well nourished. One of the things your heart and soul both need is loyalty. Another essential need is unconditional love and acceptance. If someone betrays you, even if they say they love you, the type of love they are capable of giving you is not worth very much. Never imagine when you are betrayed that you are at fault. I mention this because I have noticed there is a tendency to blame ourselves when someone we care about mistreats us. Yet, we have the choice not to blame ourselves. We can make sure we look at the situation with a clear-headed and analytical vantage point. We can say, “The person who hurt me is the one with the problem—not me.” Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of this, particularly if we tend to be too benevolent or generous. I must admit, I have to consistently strive to make sure that I don’t allow myself to feel guilt over someone else’s mistreatment of me. Why? Well, I always think that if I had done or said something differently, they would not have betrayed me, lied to me, or treated me cruelly. In a way, this is what is called “if only” thinking. I’ll speak about this more in future posts, but I must at least caution you now: the “if only” mind-set is dangerous. It’s the sort of mind-set that people have who are eighty years old and have chosen to let all sorts of opportunities pass by them over the course of their lives. It reminds me of my grandmother, who chose to marry a man other than her great love. She can now look back over her shoulder and say, “If only I had married so-and-so instead.” As hard as it sometimes is, we have to accept the decisions we make once we make them. If we use poor judgment, we must profit by this and use better judgment next time. I tend to poke fun at myself, saying that it’s unlikely I will ever use better judgment, when I rarely use good judgment *wink*. Yes, I am a diva who rarely takes herself very seriously. And, in a way, it’s a wonderful way to live because you don’t let yourself get too overwhelmed by those things which are relatively insignificant. If I ever am dramatic, I can assure you that something major has happened in my life as I am generally a pretty level-headed lady. I won’t say that I can’t be capricious and even volatile at times, for I am a spirited diva, too. But, I think it’s essential for us to all be able to laugh at ourselves. If we let ourselves cry and castigate ourselves for every dish we break or every purchase we make that we didn’t really need, we’ll end up feeling rather worthless. I think that we tend to forget, too, that the only way we will ever feel truly worthwhile is a person is if we have a strong sense of self-worth. This is the complete opposite of conceit or arrogance. Conceit or arrogance is a state of mind in which a person believes that they are superior to another person—or, to people, in general. A strong sense of self-worth, on the other hand, is a state of mind in which you understand that you have something unique and valuable to contribute to the world and to the lives of those around you. It is when you begin to embrace yourself, flaws and all. A friend of mine asked me recently, “How do you love yourself?” Well, I think it begins with creating a deep and dynamic sense of self-worth. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you have made or even keep making, for if you learn something from each one, you are succeeding. You must guard your heart, though, and make sure that the people in your life do not have a negative effect upon your well-being. Although Eleanor Roosevelt said “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent”, I still think that as long as we keep toxic people and predators of the heart in our lives, we’ll never feel as valuable as we should. Even when they tell us how wonderful they think we are, we shouldn’t believe them. As I said, predators of the heart will tell you anything they think you may need to hear in order to keep controlling your life. Although they may not always tell you what you want to hear, if they sense that you are slipping out of their nefarious clutches, they’re capable of saying the most beautiful and flattering words. After all, they must seduce their way into your heart. . .and seduction is an art in which many tactics are used. So, when you begin to hear exquisite phrases from someone whom you don’t entirely trust, be very careful. Even though you don’t think it is doing you any harm to listen to them, sooner or later you may notice that you become addicted to their flattery.

Since the main subject of this post has to do with when you should not let someone who has hurt you remain in your life, I want to make a few more points about that. There are several different kinds of wounds that others can inflict upon us. Some of them are unintentional, and some of them aren’t. Betrayal, by its very nature, is intentional. The cases in which betrayal is unintentional are very rare. We all know that, if we say things that were confided to us by a friend in private, and we broadcast these things to other people, that we are betraying our friend. Right? Did we know we were doing something we shouldn’t do? Of course, we did. This being said, we can safely assume that if someone does this to us, they were fully aware of what they were doing. Also, if a man or woman who is a friend goes out of their way to pursue a friendship or relationship with someone who has mistreated us, we can feel pretty certain that they realize they are betraying us. I do think it’s crucial to forgive those who hurt us, even if they hurt us in some way that seems unforgivable to us. To forgive is something we do not for the person or persons who hurt us, but rather for ourselves. However, keeping the person or persons who hurt us in our lives is something else entirely. It is accepting what they have done—not merely forgiving it. And I do not think that accepting mistreatment of any kind can benefit us. Thus, your diva’s final word on this subject is this: if someone hurts you unintentionally, keeping them in your lives might not be an unwise choice. However, if someone hurts you intentionally, you should carefully examine whether that person deserves to be in your life because only those whom we can trust are worthy of our friendship, our love, or our affection.

Thanks to those who have told me how much my last post on predators of the heart meant to them! It always inspires this diva so much when I feel that I have helped or encouraged someone. Please know that I will respond to any personal mail that I receive at successdiva7@yahoo.com And, if you aren’t already a member of my mailing list, consider joining. It’s free and lots of fun!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/successdiva/

Until next time, friends. . .live with passion and guard your heart! Remember: there are times in your life when you have to close your heart to someone, and you must always be willing to do so when it is necessary, no matter how difficult a decision it may be.

Your Success Diva

This page and all written material at The Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

Leave a Comment

It’s your heart. So, guard it!

July 19, 2009 at 4:51 pm (The Success Diva Speaks)
Tags: anger, betrayal, bewitchment, bitterness, blood, book, Carl Sandburg, Charles Dickens, compassion, control, deceit, Dracula, empathy, emptiness, enthusiasm, friend, friendship, Great Expectations, guilt, hate, heart, jealousy, literature, lust, malice, masks, misery, Miss Havisham, mother, novel, paranoia, paranoid, passion, poet, poetry, power, predator, predators, prey, princess, revenge, sanctuary, seduction, spell, tactics, toxic people, vampires, vendetta, victim, victimization, victimizer

heart13 There will never be a way to prevent ourselves from being hurt by other people. Even if we were able to look inside the hearts and minds of everyone around us, we would probably still fall into predicaments that brought us misery. At the same time, in order to make a toxic person really have the effect they want to upon us, we must dwell on all the ways in which they have hurt us. We must allow them to continue to steal our joy and happiness from us long after the wounds have been inflicted, which means that if we let go and refuse to hold onto the pain, we are the ones who win—not them.

As you know, I am very forthcoming at this blog. I share things that some people might not even reveal to their closest friends. Do I care? Actually, if I can reach even one of you by something I say, I regret none of my personal confessions. But you do have to watch who you open your heart to. Look upon the heart as a beautiful sanctuary within yourself. There are two doors closing this sanctuary off from the rest of the world. You can open them only if you decide to. If you are at a place in your life where you feel that you need the approval of other people to feel okay about yourself—that their acceptance of you is crucial to your happiness and positive opinion about yourself, you are at risk of being deeply hurt. There are what I would call predators of the heart, and they come in many different shapes and wear a variety of masks. They are almost like vampires, in a way. They prey upon your energy and your spirit to satisfy their inner emptiness. However, they are often convinced that their lives are bringing them fulfillment. Rarely will they admit to you that they are seeking something other than that which they’ve already got. To make you feel that you are necessary to them in some way would give some of the power they think they possess away. Now, if push comes to shove, and they are concerned that you may escape the designs they have on your life, they might be capable of saying anything. But they are generally reluctant to admit any signs of personal weakness. When I think of a character in literature who is a predator of the heart, I cannot help but think of Miss Havisham in Charles Dickens’ classic novel, Great Expectations. She is not content to merely lick her wounds and drown her sorrow by living a reclusive life. Rather, she picks out another person as a vessel for her vendetta. If you haven’t read the book or seen a film adaptation of the book, you will not have a thorough idea of what I am speaking of. However, you can take my word for the fact that Miss Havisham is a true predator of the heart. In a way, she is a tragic and pathetic figure. It is nearly impossible not to feel sorry for all the pain she has experienced. Yet no pain that we experience justifies our preying upon the hearts of others.

As a diva who tends to speak whatever is on her mind, I want to share with all of you something that happened to me yesterday. I was betrayed by someone who had pretended to be my friend. Has this happened to me before? Yes, of course. It’s probably happened to most of you, too. I think that one reason this happens is because our society preaches a “me first/you second” philosophy. This means that, even if a person betrays someone close to them, if it’s in that person’s best interest at the time they do it, they somehow manage to excuse their conduct. Now, many cases of betrayal are connected to revenge. Rather than letting go of resentment and anger, a certain type of person holds it in until, at last, it boils over and they do something that hurts someone else in a way that can be devastating. Unfortunately, when bitterness, resentment, and/or anger begin to cloud someone’s vision, there is a strong chance that they will begin to perceive that they are being deceived or wronged in some way, even if they’re not. In other words, they may at some point be incapable of thinking logically. Predators of the heart are often paranoid, too. They see those who do not allow them into their inner sanctuary as being against them. They may even have grandiose ideas about their relationship with someone whom they are trying to prey upon. They may see that person as belonging to them, even if the person doesn’t. The person who betrayed me felt he had the right to interject himself in many different aspects of my life. He was also jealous of anyone else whom I have in my life, including my mother. You see, he felt that anyone who was giving me advice or input aside from him might prevent him from having the all-powerful influence in my life that he felt he needed. When he finally saw that I was determined to remain in charge of my life and was willing to fight him for control of it, he betrayed me. He made sure I was aware of his betrayal, too. I think he concluded that only in my knowing about his betrayal would he receive any sort of personal gratification. How many of you believe, now that I am introducing you to the concept of predators of the heart, that you might have crossed paths with one of these persons? Might there even be one in your life right now? “Maybe so,” you say, “but how can I tell?” Notice how you feel when you spend time around someone whom you suspect is a predator of the heart. Do they find ways to make you feel that you are weak? Do they play up your faults in a way that is subtle? For example, might they say something like, “Well, you know, you have loads of flaws, but I love you anyway.” Does this sound familiar? You do see what they’re doing, don’t you? They’re wanting you to feel that you can’t really handle the big, bad problems in your life on your own. So. . .they are there to help you. All you have to do is wrap up your heart and hand it over to them first. Then they’ll take care of everything. Pretty soon, of course, you’ll be wondering why the decisions you’re making don’t really match up with the decisions you want to make. You may also find yourself tolerating things that you never thought you would put up with. But, you see, your pet predator of the heart has convinced you that you will never find another friend or lover like them. So, you’d better let them drain all your own thoughts and opinions from you. If they want to start controlling your mind, you’d better let them do that, too. I mean, they’re probably smarter than you anyway. . .or at least wiser, right? They seem to know so much. They seem to have all the answers figured out, and, even though it seems like they are trying to take control of your life, surely all they’re really trying to do is help you. Right??? Wrong. Predators of the heart have no more compassion or empathy than the living dead. Never deceive yourself. A predator of the heart is never thinking of his prey as anything more than an object to nourish his or her desire to control. Your feelings and needs don’t count. Dracula never did seem to care much about the needs of his victims, did he? No, he cared only for satisfying his lust for blood. And he was very seductive, too, wasn’t he? He never told his victims, “Hello there, I’m a vampire. May I bite your neck and drink your blood?” If he had done that, how believable would it have been? Well, like a vampire who beguiles his victims, preying upon the hearts of others begins with seduction. For you to be willing to open up your heart, you must first be under the predator’s “spell”. For me to say that a predator of the heart has a standard method of worming his or her way in to your life would be giving you the false idea that you might be able to pick out a predator of the heart readily. You will rarely be able to do that. What you must do, though, is immediately pay attention to any feelings you have of wanting to distance yourself from the person. If you ignore them when you feel them, they may go away as the predator starts to know you better and begins using better and more cunning tactics. Pay attention to the behavior the possible predator exhibits early on in your communication with him or her. Does he or she argue with some of your beliefs and opinions? Does he or she make you feel that you are ignorant or ill-informed for standing by the convictions you have? Later, if the predator perceives that arguing with your beliefs isn’t the way to win you over, he or she will use different methods of doing so. This is why you must analyze all of your initial contact with the person. To be honest, the predator of the heart who has just exited my life showed plenty of sides of himself that were objectionable to me early on in our friendship. I found him abrasive and argumentative. I even wondered why he wanted to be friends with me since it was evident to me that he and I were different in a number of ways. Yet after awhile, he seemed to have somehow made himself a fixture in my life. I didn’t even realize it had happened, until it already had. Although this man had seemed perfectly content with his life when I first met him, as time went on, he began to infer that I was fulfilling some kind of deep personal need he had. By making me believe this, he succeeded in brainwashing me into thinking that I had to put up with him, no matter how unkindly or harshly he treated me. When he would instigate debates, I would be drawn into them like a fly being drawn into the web of a spider. Before I knew it, he had actually managed to create a certain amount of alienation between me and my mother because she recognized him for what he was, and he sensed that. I suddenly became a victimized princess locked in a tower with a mother who was, to use his terminology, “an ogre”. He tried to make himself the center of my world—indeed, the only person who really had my best interest at heart. At one point, he sent me ten and twelve e-mails a day. When I tried to tell him I couldn’t respond to all of them, he attempted to make me feel guiltyand even accused me of trying to end our friendship. Predators of the heart are very good at making you feel as if you are blame when you try to fight them. For them, you see, only their desires exist. And your mission in life, in their mind, is to gratify these desires.

“But what do I do?” you ask, almost in despair. See, I knew you would ask this. . .and, truth be told, I am still finding new and better ways in regard to how to deal with predators of the heart with each passing day. What I advise is that you stop looking at the conduct you see and start looking at the intentions behind the conduct. If your would-be predator-of-the-heart tells you that he/she loves you even though he/she told you a few weeks before that he didn’t believe in love, pay attention. If he or she says that he is a loyal and true friend to you, even though he/she told you at another time that he/she had a “big mouth” and was always talking about his/her friends behind their backs, do not ignore it. If he/she confesses to you that he/she is usually the one who walks out of a relationship, do not assume that you will be treated any differently. Although there are many people who will never tell you the truth about themselves, there are also many people who will sometimes make revealing declarations or remarks in an unguarded moment. And the moments in which a predator of the heart lets down his/her guard are the moments that matter. If you have already been the victim of a predator of the heart, the worst thing you can do is to continue victimizing yourself by dwelling on the situation and/or associating it with the person you are right now. The only reason you should even remember what happened is to know how you can prevent it from ever happening again. For if we do not look towards the past to teach us lessons, then it serves no purpose. Indeed, should we not allow the past to instruct us in how to live better and more wisely, the past is, as the poet Carl Sandburg said, no more than “a bucket of ashes.”

This diva didn’t think she would manage a new blog post today. For one thing, physical exhaustion is something I’ve been battling since I awakened yesterday. This being the case, it wasn’t a good time to be betrayed. But, you know, things like betrayal don’t come at the times that are most convenient for us! *wink* In fact, I would say that they are more likely to come at inopportune moments. However, I have a bit of encouraging news: sometimes we’re dealt our hardest blows in life just before everything takes a turn-around for the better. So, the next time somebody who pretended to be your friend turns out to be an enemy instead, just know that the void they create in your world by no longer being in it will leave room for somebody or something wonderful.

Make each moment matter. . .make each day count. And live with passion and enthusiasm!

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

This page and all written material at The Success Diva pages is written by Alexis Wingate. All rights are reserved. (C) Copyright by Alexis Wingate. The Success Diva

3 Comments

when you have to walk away. . .

July 4, 2009 at 9:31 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: Biblical, clutter, dreams, Emerald City, excuses, fulfillment, goals, gold, happiness, letting go, loss, Lot's wife, love, Pablo Picasso, relationships, salt, success, toxic people, Van Gogh, yellow brick road

We all have those moments in life, don’t we? That second in time when a part of us realizes that there is someone in our life who is pulling us down rather than building us up. If you look around, you can probably find someone who is in your life right now who shouldn’t really be there. It isn’t so much that they are cutting you to pieces. Their behavior doesn’t have to be destructive in an obvious way. But perhaps they do thoughtless things or speak to you in a harsh and hurtful way at the times when you most need to feel valued, appreciated and even loved. Yet time after time you overlook their behavior. . .you give them another chance, even though you realize that they are going to keep hurting you, whether the pain they are causing you is intentional or not. What do you do?? Well, obviously, if the person in question is a spouse, a long-term partner, a parent, child, or close family member. . well, as hard as it is to say this, you won’t be able to just walk away. You already know that, of course, since you’re smart and already have so many of the answers and solutions all within yourself anyway. Actually, when it seems like your Success Diva is providing you with answers, what she’s really doing is helping you tap into the answers that you already possess within. Sometimes the problem is that you just don’t know which questions you should be asking. And that is where I come into the picture. Sure, if I can provide a few answers, too, that’s wonderful. But I would rather think that you had the answers all along just waiting to be discovered. Imagine that you have a mound of gold buried in your backyard that you haven’t ever known about. Then imagine if somebody told you about that mound of gold. Would you believe them? Well, if you’re a skeptic, I would imagine you’d shrug, roll your eyes, and say, “Yeah, right. Dream on. There isn’t a mound of gold in my backyard.” But whether you choose to believe it or not, there is. But the mound of gold is within you because that’s where the answers to how you can create the life of your dreams are: within you. Your life may seem like a jigsaw puzzle right now, but when you start putting the pieces together, you’re going to see what you’ve got. . .and you know what? You’ll be amazed. You’ll also be very pleased that you let the Success Diva into your life. You’ll see that all these things she’s been telling you haven’t just been a lot of bunk. And one reason what I’m saying to you isn’t a lot of ‘bunk’ is because it’s all deeply personal. I”m not telling you to do anything that I wouldn’t do, haven’t done and am not continuing to do myself. I practice what I preach, so to speak. If I’m having a bad day, the advice I give myself is the very same advice you are going to get from me. And that I promise (and remember, The Success Diva doesn’t break promises).

But let’s revisit the subject of this post, “When you have to walk away.” Do you know what one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life will be? Have you guessed it yet? It will be walking away from someone or something that you have become dependent on in some way. It will be realizing that just because something seems good or even looks good doesn’t make it right or healthy for you. Usually, I am the sort of diva who would not advise walking away from a person or a situation without giving it a lot of consideration. There is the weighing of the ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ and all that. You wonder what your life will be like without that person in it. . .or what your days will be like if you quit that job or stop pursuing that career. And when you try to envision your life without that person in it or when you try to imagine what it would be like to head down a different career path or look for another job. . .well, it feels kind of scary, doesn’t it?? Admit it—it makes you feel afraid. It’s like closing your eyes and walking into a room that you’ve never seen before. You have no idea what you might bump into. . .or whether or not there’s a rug that you’ll slip on. . . .or if the room is empty or occupied. So, what do you do? Do you turn around and reverse your choice? Do you decide, rather than walking away, that you should just try to stick it out, no matter what?? No, no, and again, No. If something or someone shouldn’t be part of your life right now, do you really think that’s going to change? Let’s face it, if you’re on that yellow brick road that will take you to your own Emerald City of dreams, are you really going to want to be encumbered by people or things that will only hinder you?? Sure, maybe the job seems steady and reliable. . .and maybe the person whom you know you ought to walk away from says they care about you and have your best interest at heart. But do they? Don’t be fooled by pretty words. If someone says, “I love you,” make sure that their actions are matching their words. If a person tells you that they fully support you, if or when they start sabotaging you in some way, don’t ignore their behavior. Say, “Hey, wait a minute. You said such-and-such but the way you’re acting indicates something else entirely.” Call them on the carpet if you have to. Confront them. Don’t be afraid. Fear won’t ever get you anywhere. Granted, if they are completely toxic to you and your well-being, they will probably have a whole book full of excuses. Instead of “little black books” some people carry around little books of excuses. If you look closely, you’ll start seeing that people will be scribbling in these books when you go places. Next time you’re at the airport, in the train station, or at a doctors’ office, observe. Are people scribbling away?? Don’t assume they’re writing in a journal. They’re probably trying to jot down more excuses before they forget about them. Now to frequently use an excuse when you make a mistake that only causes you to suffer. . .well, that’s human and completely understandable. It’s when you begin using excuses for behavior you demonstrate that hurts other people that you need to realize what’s happening. You are following in the footsteps of the toxic people who came before you. You are avoiding taking responsibility for your behavior. If you fail to apologize when you hurt someone, then you are raising your own toxicity level. Pretty soon, you may be the person that someone else chooses to walk away from. And I know you don’t want people walking away from you. . .unless they’re toxic, of course, and then you’ve had a stroke of good luck. Remember how rare true luck is? Well, you can count yourself truly lucky when a toxic person vanishes from your life. Just look at it as an unexpected blessing.

But what about those people who don’t walk away? Well, you have to decide what you’re willing to put up with. You have to make a choice: Is my relationship with him or her more important than my overall well-being? And however you answer this will determine whether or not it’s time for you to walk away. There are times, of course, when those who care about you or love you don’t fully understand what it is that you need from them. That’s why communication is always essential in any and every relationship you have with another person. What communicating honestly and effectively will enable you to do is determine whether or not the person you are contemplating walking away from is willing to change the behavior that you are finding hurtful or harmful. You cannot present this to the other person in what would be described as an “ultimatum.” Never say something like, “Either you do such-and-such or else I’m out of here.” This will only bring about an atmosphere of intense negativity, and will probably also create hostility. Rather, tell the person that they mean a great deal to you, but that they are hurting you by acting and/or speaking in a certain way. Don’t ever say, “If you love me, you’ll do this” because this will make it sound as if you are questioning the fact that they love or care about you. It will come across as an attempt to make them feel guilty, and if they feel any guilt, make sure that it comes from within them. . .not at your special urging. You can say “Hey, you really hurt me and I won’t be able to keep you in my life if you keep doing this,” but make it clear that you are prepared to walk away. What I mean is, you don’t want to give the impression that you are demanding something that the other person isn’t willing to give. What you want to do is share how you feel, see if he/she respects your feelings, and depending upon whether or not they don’t, either keep them in your life or walk away.

I know I said earlier that if the other person is a spouse, parent, child, or close relative that you wouldn’t be able to walk away. Well, in many instances, you won’t be able to. But as long as that person isn’t completely dependent upon you (such as a child who isn’t yet an adult or an elderly parent who must be cared for), always know that walking away is at least an option. I have spoken of psychologically distancing yourself and this is possible, too, although, it will never be enough, which means that if there is any way you can walk away and you know, in your heart, that it’s the only way you will ever experience true happiness and fulfillment, do it. Don’t look back over your shoulder, though. Remember the Biblical legend about Lot’s wife turning into a pillar of salt. Salt is something you should be seasoning your life with. It won’t do you any good to turn into a pillar of it *wink*.

Aside from personal relationships, there can also be times when you do have to walk away from a job or a career. I mentioned this briefly, mostly because once I start talking about toxic people and the havoc they can wreak in a person’s life it’s hard for me to address another issue. But, lest you wonder, there are indeed jobs and careers that you should let go of. There can be a lot of different reasons behind this decision, but what should ultimately be the deciding factor is this: if this job or career isn’t the most important thing in my life, how is it preventing me from being able to devote my time and energy to what is most important?? Once you answer that question (and all you have to do is look deeply within yourself), you will know what you must do. You should also ask yourself: Will this job or career fully satisfy me? Or will there always be a feeling of discontentment, a lack of fulfillment, really, deep within myself? If the answer is ‘yes,’ you have but one choice—-walk away. Hey, it’s better to make very little money doing something you love than to spend your entire life doing something you hate or are indifferent towards. For example, if you have a full-time job as an accountant, but you’ve really always wanted to be an artist. . .what are you waiting for? “But my wife and kids won’t have any food to eat,” you exclaim, “and we won’t be able to pay any of our bills.” Then don’t quit your job right away, but, at least, start making plans for another career. Don’t just let dreams of being the next Van Gogh or Pablo Picasso stay in your head. Make them real. Find a way to do it. Whenever you want something badly enough, when you want it so much that you would be willing to do anything to get it as long as it didn’t compromise your principles and your personal integrity. . .well, go for it.

In a way, I’m realizing that this post is about shedding your life of the things that no longer belong in it, whether they be people or careers or jobs. And I don’t know why I was inspired to address this particular topic at half-past 5 am on a Saturday morning, but, hey, does a Success Diva really have to explain herself? *grin*

It is my hope that I have given you the impetus—or at least, the courage–that you need to start de-cluttering more than your closets. Your life is much more important than those closets, you know, and, there’s a good chance that your life has more clutter in it than any of your closets has ever contained.

Until soon. . .live with passion and enthusiasm every moment of the day! Your life is yours. Live it!

Your Success Diva

5 Comments

You are the Captain!

July 4, 2009 at 5:02 am (The Success Diva Speaks)
Tags: anger, captain, child, determination, dreams, enthusiasm, experiences, fear, happiness, health, John Keates, mother, opportunities, passion, redheads, ship, sky-diving, strength, success, T. S. Eliot. Ode to A Grecian Urn, Titanic, toxic people

Sometimes I look around and wonder: where is honesty and where is truth? I think all of us probably put on a mask to face the world with, whether it is thick or paper thin, sturdy or flimsy. If we think that the face we show to everyone else is the face that we see when we dare to really look inside ourselves. . .well, I think we’re lying to ourselves. And that never gets you anywhere, does it? Was it not John Keats, the poet, who said the oft-repeated phrase, “Beauty is truth, truth beauty–that is all/Ye know on earth, all ye need to know.” Yet T. S. Eliot felt these simple yet profound words detracted from the rest of Keats’ Ode on a Grecian Urn. You don’t have to have lived very long on this planet to understand that you need to know a lot more than this in order to survive. The world can be a brutal place and people can be ruthless. Were I to tell you otherwise, I would be simply giving you the false impression that the world is a warm and loving place. Yes, it can be. But is it? And if it isn’t, why is it not? Why aren’t more people living fulfilled lives? Where are the people who are living richly, fully, happily, and successfully? Why aren’t there more of them?

Well, have you ever heard of the fight or flight response?? Sure you have. In fact, I would imagine that you have chosen to react to at least one situation in your life in the past year by either fighting it or running away from it? Am I right? If not, think back to a time when you did, in fact, try to fight back at someone or something? Why did you do it? Underneath all that anger and resentment and, yes, even hate, was there possibly. . .if I’m wrong, don’t get upset. . .but could there not have been just a tiny bit of fear? In other words, did you use anger to mask the fact that you were actually apprehensive, that you really felt afraid? When you were a child and your mother or father didn’t buy you a toy that you wanted, for example, and you got angry at them, couldn’t you have also been afraid that them not giving you something you really wanted meant that they didn’t love you as much as they should? Think about it. And later on, when that girl or guy whom you wanted to go out with in high school never seemed to reciprocate your attention, what made you decide to start avoiding them? Wasn’t it fear? Weren’t you afraid of being hurt?

Well, you’re probably not in high school right now. . .and, if you are, I applaud you for being willing to start making the changes that will enable you to create the life of your dreams at such a young age. But whether you are in high school or it’s been several decades since you finished high school, the insight your Success Diva is giving you will always be applicable. That same anger that you felt when you were a child. . . and that same fear (and maybe anger, too) that you felt when you were a teenager. . .well, these are two emotions that are still ruling your world, to a large extent. “What?” you say, “Success Diva is saying I’m driven by anger and fear! Well, she’s going too far this time!” No, I’m not going far enough. This is just the tip of the iceberg that hit the Titanic as far as these two emotions are concerned. I will be talking about them more and more as I continue becoming more and more a part of your life. You see, The Success Diva has been driven by anger and fear, too, along with other things such as hate, resentment, contempt, vindictiveness, and other negative emotions. There was a time when the only way I knew to react to being hurt or mistreated by someone was to get angry. There were times when I would get comments such as “Well, you’ve got a temper to match the color of your hair,” and I knew those comments were valid, although I dislike redheads being automatically labelled as “short-tempered.” The thing about it is, my hair is still red. However, I rarely get angry anymore, and, when I do, I find ways to eliminate it before it injures me or someone else. I know you’re probably thinking that I’m making it sound awfully easy to stop letting a destructive emotion control your actions. “You just don’t know the sorts of people I’ve had to deal with,” you might want to tell me. Well, The Success Diva has encountered all sorts of people in her life. . .and, let me assure you, at least half of them have not had a positive or healthy influence on me. In fact, I have known people that would very nearly make an angel throw away her halo and buy a pitchfork and a pair of devil’s horns instead. Not that this would do an angel any good, of course—merely buying a costume won’t change a person’s behavior. And this brings me back to what I said about all of us wearing masks in the beginning of this post. Just because we wear a mask of happiness or joy or love or peace or compassion or strength—well, if we don’t actually feel any of those emotions inside, our behavior will not consistently reflect those feelings. Many people say that you have to love and accept yourself before you can give love to anyone else. And you know what? I think they’re right. This is probably why so many women say that becoming a mother is the most extraordinary and important experience of their lives. In learning to love the child growing within themselves, they begin to have a certain love and respect for themselves as women. Then, when they finally give birth to that child, their hearts are overflowing with a love that may well have been there all the time, but has never had a viable outlet before. I’m not saying that every woman who becomes a mother starts loving herself. What I am saying is that a woman often considers that she has finally accomplished something worthwhile when she brings new life into the world. And this new feeling of self-worth brings with it a certain amount of self-love. But if you love yourself does this mean that you don’t get angry or that you suddenly don’t experience any negative emotions?? Of course not. What it can mean, however, is that you begin to understand that those destructive emotions that you thought were just hurting other people are really hurting you. “It’s worth hurting myself, though, if I can get back at so-and-so,” you say. Whoa. Wait a minute. What did you just say? You’re telling me that it’s worth depriving yourself of joy, happiness, peace, and love just so that you can prove something to someone else? You’re saying that if you can just pay him/her/ them back for whatever he/she/them said or to you, it’s worth becoming a toxic person for a little while? You see, toxic people are toxic to themselves, first and foremost. They don’t usually realize this fully enough, but when a toxic person loses his/her temper and says or does things that are cruel, hurtful, or abusive, what he/she is really doing is demonstrating how little control they have over themselves and their own behavior. This is something I have come to realize in recent years and especially during the past several months. If I get angry at someone who mistreats me, what I’m really doing is allowing them to control me. So, not only have they attempted to victimize me with their mistreatment. . .but I am continuing to play the role of ‘the victim’ by letting myself be driven by negative emotions that they evoked. So, I’ve given up my power and I’m basically a chess piece in someone else’s game. Is this what you want to be? I know it can’t possibly be, or you wouldn’t be reading the Success Diva’s blog. I fully believe that you want to be the one steering your own ship—and I also think that you’re willing to buy, borrow or find the necessary equipment to build that ship. Hey, it’s the ship of your dreams, after all. It will take you anywhere you choose to go. It can take you away from the life of your dreams. . .or it can steer you towards it. You are the Captain. I’m just there to encourage and inspire you.

I have been asked before by people who are curious about why their lives are not going the way they want them to, which emotion I feel is the most inhibiting of any that a person can feel. In other words, if I had to name just one thing that is standing between a person and the life he/she desires, what would it be?? The answer is simple yet people are often surprised when they hear it. It’s fear. Fear is what makes a person feel that they have to hold onto the life they’ve got, the job they’ve got, the spouse they’re married to, the boyfriend/girlfriend they’re with, or the career they’ve spent so many years pursuing but never really have liked. Fear is what makes a person not get on an airplane, even when deep within themselves they’d love to travel around the world. Fear is what prevents you from grabbing half the opportunties that come your way. It’s both insidious and deadly, and until you find a way to move beyond it, you will never have any lasting happiness or success in your life. “But don’t I need to get rid of the fear?,” you ask. “Can just moving beyond it be enough?” Well, the truth is, fear is something you will always feel no matter how badly you want to never experience it again. Why? Because life is full of new experiences, and there are bound to be some experiences that will challenge you and overwhelm you if you are going to create the life of your dreams. If, for example, one of your dreams is to go sky-diving, do you really think you won’t experience any fear if you decide to make this dream a reality?? Of course you’ll experience fear. The situation is, when your passion for something—whether it be a career, a job, or a person whom you are madly in love with—becomes more powerful than your fear, you will automatically move past it and embrace whatever it is you really desire. Now generally, in life, the sort of passion that is able to conquer fear isn’t something that you feel on a regular basis. It’s something that you feel every now and then, when you ask your girlfriend to marry you or when you go on a rollercoaster ride at your local amusement park. It isn’t something you are accustomed to feeling every single day. And this is one reason you aren’t living the life of your dreams. You are living with fear, whether you realize it or not. You’re afraid that you’ll fail. You’re afraid that you don’t have what it takes to succeed, whether it be in your career or in an important personal relationship. You think to yourself, “How could someone like me ever make a go of this?” or “Why would he/she ever seriously be interested in me?” Well, what you have to do is understand that there are some opportunities that will only come your way once. . .and if you don’t snatch them now, they may never show up again. You have to be willing to grab happiness or success or love sometimes. You have to believe that it will ultimately make you feel more worthwhile if you should go for it, even if you don’t get it. “But I’m really not a very worthy person,” you say, “I mean, I don’t really deserve happiness or success or love or all these great things you’re talking about, Success Diva.” Really? Who says? Have you been keeping company with toxic people who think they have the right to tell you what you are or are not capable of? Or have you been saying such things to yourself for so long that you have actually started to believe them? Which is it? I can safely assume that when you were a child of five or six you weren’t under the impression that you weren’t “worthy” or “deserving” enough to be happy or feel loved. You know your Success Diva is right about this. When you were a kid, there were moments when you probably think that nearly anything was possible. At the very least, I’m sure that you would have thought that you deserved a happy, rich, joyful, and successful life.

So, what happened?? Well, you see, when you are a kid the world didn’t seem like a cruel, brutal, dark, and cold place to you. You looked at birds and butterflies with your eyes wide open. . .you noticed the sun rising and setting and you loved the feeling of rain against your skin. You weren’t worried that you weren’t carrying around an umbrella! And you didn’t even think about sun-screen (don’t get me wrong—sun-screen is essential to protect against sun damage and skin cancer). Also, when your mother or grandmother made a batch of fresh chocolate chip cookies you weren’t thinking, “I wonder how many calories each cookie has in it.” No, you were enjoying every morsel of those cookies. But somewhere between then and now you’ve come to see the world in an entirely different light. You generally feel guilty if you eat too many cookies now, and you no longer really think about when the sun sets or when it rises. Around some hour of the morning it gets light outside. . .and around some hour of the evening it gets dark. As for rain? Well, it’s something that creates problems when you’re trying to get somewhere in a rush. It causes more traffic. Plus, your hair might start frizzing. . .and, my goodness, what about that new pair of shoes you’re wearing? See what I mean? There are lots of things that you actually feel fear about without being aware of it. Yet I would wager that you do drive in the rain and that you do eat too many cookies every now and then. I would also say that some of you have ruined more than one pair of shoes, either by walking in rain, mud, or snow. I know I have. I ruined a pair of shoes by picking persimmons of a tree a few years ago. I didn’t realize that there was so much mud around those trees. . and, well, I had been to a symphony concert earlier that night and I was all dressed up. But do you know what’s interesting? I no longer think much about those shoes I ruined. However, I will always have the memory of picking persimmons off persimmon trees with my mother one late night in October. And life becomes more meaningful when you have moments that are memorable. If you simply exist, never taking any risks and never accepting any opportunity that comes your way unless it seems “safe,” then you are always going to exist. You will never be fulfilled. . .and you will never live the life of your dreams. Never?? That’s right—never.

So, take that fear and use it. To feel fearful all the time takes a whole lot of energy. But you can take that same energy and use it in a different way. You can use it to feel passion and enthusiasm and determination. Instead of being afraid to do something, choose to be adventurous. Even if there’s still some fear deep inside you, choose to see it as a tool rather than as a hindrance. It can actually help you, believe it or not. It can force you to be a stronger person—it can make you more determined. And, when you see that there was really nothing to be afraid about all along, you’ll become less and less fearful. Now as I said previously, you will never completely obliterate all fear from your life. However, with enough practice and enough advice from your Success Diva, you will not only work around it, but you will also find a way to channel it effectively.

Well, it’s way after midnight here in Atlanta, and even though the Success Diva is a self-proclaimed ‘night owl,’ she’s going to have to wait for another post to say more. But she does encourage you to start implementing the suggestions she’s giving you in this post—namely, to start using your fear in a positive way and to start responding in a mature, effective, and productive way to those toxic people, rather than reacting with emotions that are destructive to you, such as hate, anger, contempt, and resentment.

Until later. . .live each moment of your life with passion and enthusiasm!

Your Success Diva

successdiva7@yahoo.com

Have you joined The Success Diva’s new mailing list? If not, why wait another moment to do so?

http://yahoo.groups/group/successdiva

3 Comments

You’re not just telling me to think positively, are you?

July 1, 2009 at 3:13 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: abuse, addictions, addictive behavior, alcohol, cruelty, drugs, neglect, Norman Vincent Peale, ownership, positive thinking, responsibility, self-acceptance, success, therapy, toxic people, victims

When Norman Vincent Peale, the motivational speaker and author, first published his best-selling book, The Power of Positive Thinking in 1952, many people thought his theories in regard to focusing on positive thoughts and ridding your mind of all negative thoughts would completely alter their lives. Well, there are plenty of documented cases in which Peale’s way of. . .well, thinking. . . played a definitive role in people recovering from emotional/mental breakdowns, terminal illnesses, and poverty. But is positive thinking as beneficial and effective as it has been reputed to be by Peale and his followers? The answer is no.

You see, there is a basic problem underlying positive thinking that people like Peale don’t really stop and address—namely, that you have to think about it. That’s right. . .think about it. This means that, no matter how sad or depressed you’re feeling, no matter how scattered and unclear your mind may feel, you’re supposed to be able to somehow ‘magically’ get your mind to start thinking in a specific direction. Is it impossible?? No, course not. Is it logical, though? Not from the Success Diva’s frame of reference. I know, from personal experience, that just thinking sweet, pretty, little ‘happy thoughts’ isn’t going to really do me one bit of good at all. You know why? Because I’m too smart to buy into that sort of philosophy. And you see, friends, I know that you are too smart, too. That’s why you’re at this blog. You’re aren’t coming to my blog to hear a lot of recycled theories about how you can force-feed yourself positive thoughts all the time, trying to delude yourself into believing that your life is better than it is. Your life isn’t better than you think it is. What? Your Success Diva is telling you that your life isn’t better than you perceive it to be?? Nope. She isn’t. She promised she would always be straightforward with you, and she isn’t going to stop now. Hey she’s on a roll!

The bare, cold, hard, truth. . .and for some of you, this may not be easy to accept. . .is that most of the time we have made a pretty accurate assessment of the problems that are going on in our lives. If our marriage is falling apart, we know it. If we didn’t get that promotion at work because we weren’t willing to put the time and effort into pursuing it that was required, we know it. Sure, we can lie to ourselves–we can tell ourselves, “Things can’t be as bad as all that,” but they really may well be. Would it make any sense for me to tell you that you were one step away from getting the job opportunity of your dreams if you’re out of work right now?? Would that kind of advice do you any good whatsoever? I daresay it would do you more harm than good as you would start having unrealistic expectations. Similarly, if your husband or wife has just filed for divorce and won’t communicate with you except through an attorney. . .well, the chances of putting your marriage back together are probably slight, at best.

Believe me, I’m familiar with nearly every aspect of the positive thinking theories. And even though they won’t do you any harm, they really won’t turn the life you’ve got right now into the life of your dreams. Thus, we must disregard them, mustn’t we? There are certain things, such as not watching CNN all the time and not trying to find out details about every crime that’s committed all over the nation that will naturally make you feel more optimistic. I mean, who wants to think that we’re living in such a cold, cruel, harsh world?? But to live in oblivion isn’t wise, either. As I spoke of in two of my previous posts, there are those toxic people out there, and they come in many different guises. I want to make it clear that I’m not suggesting that all toxic people are intentionally toxic. Overall, toxic people don’t really love or accept themselves, and this lack of self-acceptance prevents them from being able to contribute in a positive way to the lives of those around them. At certain points of our lives, I think that many, if not most of us, can exhibit behavior that could possibly prove to be detrimental to the health and/or life of someone we love. Does this make us toxic, then? Well, that depends. If we know, for example, that we have emotional or psychological issues that we haven’t worked through and we are aware that these issues are preventing us from being able to be the kind of parent, child, friend, or partner/spouse that we should be, then, yes, in a way we are in danger of becoming toxic. I have known women who have not worked through the repressed anger within themselves stemming from a childhood in which they didn’t feel they received love from one of their parents, and they have gone on to verbally and physically abuse their children. Can they help it? Well, in a way, they can’t entirely be held responsible for it—not for the abuse, that is. What they can and should be held responsible for is not getting therapy for their issues when they knew they needed to do so years earlier, probably before they ever met their partner/husband, much less had any children.

I have learned in recent times that those who hurt others are usually desperately hurting within themselves, and I feel there is a lot of validity in this viewpoint. This is why, if you are hurting, you may need more than your Success Diva to help you deal with your pain. Hey, Success Diva herself needs a little outside input at times. There are, of course, books you can read and tape/CD programs you can listen to that will provide you with some very helpful suggestions. I’m not going to list any right now because I want this blog to be a place where you can safely know you will receive advice that is original, personal, and carefully considered. This blog is all about success, Diva style. And that means it’s about pursuing your goals and dreams with passion, zest, and enthusiasm—not merely a handful of ‘positive’ thoughts. What you need to do, this very moment, is stop blaming anyone else for the way your life is right now. Now this is a very hard thing to do, and even though you may not think you’re blaming others for the poor choices you made, there is probably a part of you that is still holding on to something. . .whether it be feelings of guilt, rejection, resentment, or emotions that are similarly destructive. Even if you suffered extensive abuse—physical, emotional, sexual, etc.—at the hands of a parent, family member, or other severely damaged person while you were growing up, if you don’t let go of every single bit of hate, anger, bitterness, and resentment that you have stored within yourself because of what you suffered at the hands of those who hurt you, then you won’t ever be living the life of your dreams because you won’t ever have made the choice to take ownership of your life. Tough words, hmm? Yes, but keep in mind that they are every bit as hard for me to have to say as they may be for you to hear. But here’s the question: do you want the people who hurt you to continue to have power over you? Do you want to be in control of your destiny or do you want everybody in the past who has ever caused you pain to continue to control your life? Because as long as you do not let go of all the destructive emotions you have inside you that are tied to that abuse, cruelty, rejection, or neglect, you will not ever achieve long-term success and happiness. . .and that is something your Success Diva virtually guarantees you.

I want to address in a forthcoming post the ways in which we drown our miseries via distractions and addictions because that’s another issue that is very close to my heart. A few years ago, I had to break an addiction I had to prescription painkillers and, although it was a mild addiction compared to those that many people cope with, it has made me well aware of how easy it is to let substances (drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes) become not just a vice. . .not just a dependency. . .but what I would call, to put if very bluntly, a ‘crutch.’ I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t take medication when you need it. In fact, Success Diva encourages those who need medication for physical or emotional/mental health issues to take all their medications regularly and to have them monitored by a doctor. But when we’re speaking of recreational drugs, excessive alcohol, and things of a similar nature. . .all I can say is that once you really decide (and it is up to you—remember that) to ‘own’ your life, once your life becomes really and truly yours, you will quickly see that you cannot be dependent on anything and ever experience the feeling of personal freedom you need to pursue the life of your dreams. So, ultimately, you’ll have to make the decision: do you want to continue to be dependent on a drug or a drink to make you happy and fulfilled or do you want to find true and lasting fulfillment? The same thing applies to eliminating toxic people from your life and/or making sure that you are not becoming toxic yourself because of your reluctance to get help in working through personal issues in your life and/or your past that you’ve never dealt with. The unfortunate truth you must face is that there are really just two types of people in the world: ‘owners’ and ‘victims.’ The owners are the ones who accept responsibility for every choice they make, whether good or bad. They are the ones who refuse to blame others when they make a mistake and they are the ones who will ultimately create the life of their dreams. Now what about the victims? Well, they’re in a prison of their very own making. Rather than freeing themselves from the ties that bind them to past hurts, they are letting themselves be drawn deeper and deeper into what I refer to as the “Pit of Despair.” Let me make one thing clear, too: victims, not owners, are the people who victimize other people. An owner has no desire to make another person his/her victim because he/she realizes that in victimizing another person he/she is ultimately also victimizing him/herself. On the other hand, victims are always very unfulfilled people, who have no idea how to fulfill themselves because they have gotten so accustomed to playing the ‘part’ of a victim that in many ways ‘the victim’ has become their actual identity. They have a deep, overwhelming need within themselves to rid themselves of emotions that they have never worked through and may not even fully comprehend. And this means that a victim will never been entirely harmless, which is why, if you are a victim right now, you must become an owner no matter how much effort it takes. Effort, you ask? But I thought that was the whole point of Success Diva’s blog. I was going to be able to make my dreams come true with a minimal amount of effort, simply by following her one-of-a-kind advice. I wish I didn’t have to disappoint you, but it isn’t going to work that way. Why? Because you and your Success Diva are two entirely separate persons. And even though your Success Diva is behind you every step of the way, you are the one who is going to be transforming your life—not me. I’m just an adviser. . .not a miracle worker. I can tell you which ingredients you need to purchase to make the cake or pie, but I cannot make the cake or pie for you. You have to do that. I’m not even going to be able to be there to make sure that you measure all the ingredients perfectly and/or mix them together properly. In other words, I can give you the recipe that might very well result in the life of your dreams, but unless you want that recipe to turn out beautifully, your life may very well always be merely about trying to exist on a day-to-day basis rather than truly living.

Your Success Diva is going to be a sleeping diva soon, which means that you won’t hear any more from me for awhile. Were it otherwise, she would certainly post more of her thoughts in regard to the fundamental flaws behind nearly all positive thinking theories, and how her personal success philosophy is in most ways completely antithetical to the advice that’s been handed out like bags of rainbow-colored M & Ms by such motivational ‘gurus’ as the both reviled and beloved Norman Vincent Peale.

But it really is time for Success Diva to catch that train to Dreamland. So, come back later on and see what I’m up to. I know you’ll miss me in the meantime, yet keep this in mind: the best things in life are often those which are most worth waiting for.

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

Leave a Comment

so you’re having a bad day. . .

June 30, 2009 at 12:47 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: CNN, depression, Dorothy Parker, goals, Jodie Foster, life, news, success, toxic people, writers

We all have them. . .days when everything in our life seems to have been flipped upside-down overnight. Either the person we love has just dumped us, we just received a rejection slip from the literary magazine we were hoping would decide to publish that short story we worked so hard on, or maybe. . .well, maybe the kids just spilled grape juice all over the new carpet. There isn’t any simple advice I can give you about how to make a bad day into a good one. To be honest, if you know me at all, you’re aware of the fact that I have just as many bad days as good days. So, how do I make it through them? Well, I haven’t always made it through them easily or effortlessly. Sometimes it’s been more a matter of counting the hours until I was able to go to sleep, rather than trying to accomplish any of my goals. I don’t think any of us have to be tremendously damaged or emotionally unhealthy people to experience bouts of depression. Hey, life is depressing, isn’t it? All you have to do is turn on the news and you’ll hear about people dying and riots breaking out. There are also murders you can find out about and other treats in store for you, none of which probably brighten up your day, unless you enjoy hearing about bad things happening in other people’s lives. I would assume that if you’re reading Success Diva’s blog, you wouldn’t be the sort of person who would derive pleasure out of the suffering of other people, even if they are merely strangers to you. So, what’s my advice?? First of all, don’t turn on the news but once every day. I know Jodie Foster, in an interview she gave several years ago, spoke about her addiction to CNN and how she kept it on nearly 24 hours a day. Well, Jodie is a fantastic actress and a remarkable and very smart woman. But even if you admire her, that doesn’t mean you have to emulate her. Another thing that helps you if you’re going through a bad day. . .or bad week, as the case may be. . .is staying away from people who are constantly saying negative things and/or telling you about all the horrible things they just heard about on the news. You don’t have to be rude and say, “Leave me alone” and there’s no point in telling them how negative you think they are. It might not hurt to suggest that they focus more on the positive aspects of life and the world, but you must realize that you aren’t going to be the one to change an innately negative person. The post I wrote prior to this one gave two links to toxic people, and I hope you at least clicked on those links and browsed the sites for a moment or two. There are several different types of toxic people, and toxicity, like nearly anything else, can be found in different strengths, given the person in question. Some people are what the Success Diva would call mildly toxic. That is, they’re the type of person that leave you feeling vaguely sad or depressed after you’ve spent time with them. Perhaps they’re always using phrases such as, “I worry that. . .” or “I’m just afraid that” or they seem to always be telling you that the world is going to be coming to an end sometime soon because everything is in such a horrific, chaotic state. If you should be unfortunate enough to know someone like this, stay away from them as much as you can. Am I telling you to avoid them at all costs? No. Preferably, you should avoid them, but, obviously, if they are your spouse, your parent, or one of your children this may not be feasible. However, you must at least psychologically distance yourself from them, which means that you need to keep reminding yourself every time you speak with them and/or see them that they are dissatisfied and discontented, and, whether they are doing it intentionally or not, they’re wanting to bring you down along with them. Well, don’t let them. Easier said than done, you say? Well, yes, it is always easier to say something than to do it. Or haven’t you noticed??

The bottom line is this: you will never create happiness and success, much less the life of your dreams, if you allow the negative thought patterns of other people to influence your life and the way you see the world around you. This may not be a perfect world we live in, heaven knows. In fact, it’s so far from perfect that you have to wonder if it ever was anything close to perfect in the first place. At the same time, here’s the news you’re going to have to accept: this is the only world we’ve got. So, sitting up and complaining about how bad everything is won’t help anyone, including you. I’ll admit it’s always tempting to keep very well-informed, and the news is a wonderful way to do that. But there are simply things you’ll hear on the news if you watch it constantly or even more than once a day that will prevent you from fully enjoying life. When I talk about enjoying life I’m not speaking of merely existing. A person in a coma is existing—but is a person in a coma really living?? Are they able to walk outside and breathe the fresh air? Do they have a chance to read a really magnificent book or see a movie that they’ll always remember? Do they hear the laughter of children and smell the fragrance of fresh flowers? You know the answers. You’re smart. And you also know that your Success Diva is giving you some really great advice.

I know there will be people reading this who will be saying, “But the Success Diva doesn’t understand how bad a day I’m having. I mean, this is the worst day of my life!” My response to you is that there are many days that will feel like the worst day of your life. Many days, I said—not just one. That isn’t the comforting reply you wanted to hear, is it? Believe me, it doesn’t make me feel joyful to have to tell you something so disheartening. But since I have had many a day in my life so far that I could have said was the worst day of my life, I can safely assume that you’ll have more than one day that feels that way, too. There are, of course, certain things that can happen in our lives that are so utterly devastating that we truly don’t know if we will ever be happy again. Perhaps we have lost a parent or child or our husband or wife walked out without so much as a “goodbye.” These are events that truly do make us feel that our lives have suddenly come to a halt. However, unless you’re going to kill yourself, you must go on. One of my very good friends is a big admirer of the American writer and poet, Dorothy Parker, and the title of Parker’s autobiography is aptly called You Might as Well Live. I say aptly because Dorothy Parker had more than her share of troubles over her 73 years. Although she was brilliant, witty, and incredibly gifted, Parker had a knack for getting involved with toxic men (she was married to one of her husbands two times), and she attempted suicide several times. Ultimately, she died of a heart attack at a reasonably ripe age. Thus, it appears that her personal philosophy was summed up in the title of her auto-biography, You Might as Well Live. And even when you think that you can’t live another day, that you have no reason to get up in the morning and no reason to smile another time, you, too, must decide that you not only might as well live, but that you also must live with enthusiasm and passion. Nothing is ever achieved without these two things, and even though such traits as persistence and determination and self-discipline are extremely important in reaching the pinnacle of your personal success, if you don’t feel excited about anything, are you really going to pursue your dreams with gusto? You know you won’t. In fact, I don’t really think you can (and remember the difference in what you can do and what you will do, something I made a mention of in my first post at Success Diva’s blog). You must meet every day as if it is the first and last day of your life. Sure, you have your goals mapped out for the next 1, 5, or even 10 years. . .and, yes, you have dreams that may not become a reality for a decade or longer. But today, this moment, is the only time that you can be absolutely certain that you still have. So live. Start treating life as the gift it is instead of merely as something to be endured. I know you can do it. After all, you’re still reading this blog, aren’t you??

Until soon,

Your Success Diva

3 Comments

« Older entries

Successdiva's Blog

Steer Your Ship!

Reinventing yourself!

The magic is within you!

You are a diamond!

when you have to close your heart. . .

It’s your heart. So, guard it!

when you have to walk away. . .

You are the Captain!

You’re not just telling me to think positively, are you?

so you’re having a bad day. . .

Successdiva\’s Blog

Blogroll

Categories